DR. STRANGELOVE
Or:
How I Learned
To
Stop Worrying
And
Love The
BOMB
CAST
AT BURPELSON AIR FORCE BASE
General Jack D. Ripper.............Base Commander
Major Mandrake.....................Executive Officer to General Ripper
Colonel "Bat" Guano................Battalion Commander
Private Charlie....................Base Security Team
Private Tung.......................Base Security Team
Sergeant...........................Base Security Team
***
IN THE WAR ROOM
Merkin Muffley.....................The President
General "Buck" Schmuck.............Air Force Chief
Admiral Percy Buldike..............Navy Chief
General "Flash" Faceman............Army Chief
Ambassador de Sade.................Enemy Ambassador
Von Klutz )
)
Zlat )
)
Frankenstein )
)
Cadaverly )
)
Didley )................Presidential Aides
)
Turgidson )
)
Crudley )
)
Waffel )
)
Moffo )
WAR ROOM (Continued)
Kulnick )
)................Presidential Aides
Funkel )
Assorted Military Aides - about 30 altogether
M.P. Orderly
Major Nonce........................General Schmuck's Aide
***
IN THE B-90, "LEPER COLONY"
Major "King" Kong................Pilot
Captain "Ace" Angst..............Co-Pilot
Lieutenant.......................Bombardier
Lieutenant Quentin Quiffer.......Defense Systems Officer (D.S.O)
Lieutenant "Binky" Ballmuff......Navigator
Lieutenant Terry.................Radio-Radar
***
OTHERS
Colonel Puntrich.................Air Command Duty Officer
Miss Milky Way...................A Secretary
Miss Pietraszkiewicz.............Switchboard Operator
GENERAL NOTES:
1. The story will be played for realistic comedy -
which means the essentially truthful moods and attitudes
will be portrayed accurately, with an occasional bizarre
or super-realistic crescendo. The acting will never be
so-called "comedy" acting.
2. The sets and technical details will be done realistic-
ally and carefully. We will strive for the maximum
atmosphere and sense of visual reality from the sets and
locations.
3. The Flying sequences will especially be presented
in as vivid a manner as possible. Exciting backgrounds
and special effects will be obtained.
1 MAIN TITLE CARD - A WEIRD, HYDRA-HEADED, FURRY
CREATURE SNARLS AT CAMERA
ROLL-UP TITLE
"NARDAC BLEFESCU PRESENTS"
Dr. Strangelove:
or
How I Learned to Stop Worrying
and
Love the
BOMB
a
MACRO - GALAXY - METEOR PICTURE
1a MOVING SHOT - THROUGH BLACK, STARRY, PERPETUAL
NIGHT OF THE UNIVERSE
The motion is straight ahead; passing at varying distances
are stars, planets, asteroids, moons, aerolites and meteors.
At great distances we see fantastic whirls of light indicating
a vast nebula, or we see the incredible, dazzling billion-star
clusters of another galaxy.
MUSIC - WEIRD, EXTRA-TERRESTRIAL, ELECTRONIC SOUNDS
NARRATOR
The bizarre and often amusing pages
which make up this odd story were dis-
covered at the bottom of a deep crevice
in the Great Northern Desert by members
of our Earth Probe, Nimbus-II.
NARRATOR
Our story begins sometime during the
latter half of Earth's so-called Twentieth
Century. Simple nuclear weapons had been
invented, but used only twice to finish the
so-called Second World War.
The Earth appears ahead of us, continually growing to reveal the
shape of its continents and oceans.
NARRATOR
We deal with the period following this,
which was chiefly marked by the fact that
though every nation feared surprise attack,
the full consequences of nuclear weapons
seemed to escape all governments and their
people.
The Earth is quite close now, its circumference almost filling the
screen.
NARRATOR
The quirkish author of this ancient comedy
seems intentionally to have omitted the names
of specific countries, possibly in the hope it
would land a certain Universality to his theme.
Geographic details fill the screen.
CUT TO
2 DAY - AIR SHOTS - B-90 STING RAY BOMBERS
Magnificent, swept-wing, eight-jet, Mach 2 aircraft.
NARRATOR
In order to guard against surprise attack,
the nation in question kept seventy-five
B-90 Sting Ray bombers air-borne, twenty-
four hours a day. They were armed with
a full load of nuclear weapons.
2a DAY - B-90's TAKING OFF
NARRATOR
As part of this air-borne alert, thirty-five
B-90 Sting Ray bombers of the Air Command's
843rd Bomb Wing left the Burpelson Air Force
Base, fourteen hours before.
3 B-90 STING RAYS - FLYING
NARRATOR
The aircraft were now dispersed from the
Persian Gulf to the Arctic Ocean. They had
only one geographical factor in common.
They were all assigned targets inside enemy
territory.
4 DAY - B-90 "LEPER COLONY" at 30,000 FEET
NARRATOR
One of the 843d's aircraft, the "Leper
Colony," was approaching its Positive-
Control point, Bear Island, a small dot
in the Barents Sea, where it would turn
around and head for home.
5 DOWN VIEW - STING RAY - FLYING SHOT
NARRATOR
Each Sting Ray carried a bomb load of
fifty megatons, or fifty million tons of TNT,
equal to fifteen times the total explosive
force of World War Two, or twenty-five
thousand times the explosive force of the
Atomic bomb dropped on Hiroshima.
6 REAR VIEW - STING RAY - FLYING SHOT
NARRATOR
The long, tense hours which always passed
with such agonizing slowness during the
twenty-four hours of an air-borne alert,
now began to move quicker, as the mission
passed its halfway mark.
7 FRONT VIEW - STING RAY - FLYING SHOT
NARRATOR
The crew of the "Leper Colony" knew they
guarded the peace of the world just as
surely as they knew the price they must
pay within themselves to do it.
8 CU - MAJOR "KING" KONG - PILOT - INT. STING RAY
He is a sharp-eyed, steady veteran flyer.
CAMERA PULLS BACK
showing MAJOR KONG, absorbed in a copy of "Plaything"
magazine and absently munching a sandwich. We feature
a photograph.
PHOTOGRAPH - DOUBLE FOLD OF NUDE BLONDE
Miss Milky Way, Plaything of the Month, a top government
stenographer and part-time model.
CAMERA PULLS BACK - CAPTAIN "ACE" ANGST
showing CAPTAIN "ACE" ANGST, the co-pilot, reading another
copy of "Plaything" and taking healthy bites out of an
apple. He is a lean, bronzed, muscular type.
The plane cruises on auto-pilot.
8a NAVIGATOR - LIEUTENANT "BINKY" BALLMUFF - READS "PLAYTHING"
A burly, hoarse-voiced man in his early thirties, he sips
coffee and chews on his sandwich.
8b RADIO-RADAR- LIEUTENANT TERRY TOEJAM - READS "SUNSHINE
AND LOVE"
A tall, curly-haired, meticulous man in his late twenties,
he nibbles a piece of cake.
8c BOMBARDIER - LIEUTENANT LOTHAR ZOGG - A NEGRO
A short, bull-necked man in his early thirties, smoking
and dunking a cake. He reads "Nitelife" magazine.
8d D.S.O. - LIEUTENANT QUENTIN QUIFFER - READS "HI-JINKS"
The Defense Systems Officer, LIEUTENANT QUENTIN QUIFFER,
a blond, pleasant mid-Westerner. He eats chocolate
crackers from a box.
8e NAVIGATOR - LIEUTENANT "BINKY" BALLMUFF
He idly glances at his charts without putting down his
copy of "Plaything" and snaps his intercom button.
LIEUTENANT BALLMUFF
Three minutes to turning point. Heading
will be three-three-five.
(back to "Plaything")
8f MS - PILOT - MAJOR "KING" KONG
He glances up from his copy of "Plaything" and with the
easy grace of a veteran pilot, leans forward and changes
his gyro heading.
MAJOR KONG
Roger. Heading three-three-five.
(back to "Plaything")
8g CU - RADARSCOPE
There are a number of them. This one is the maximum
search radar. The outer rim of the scope reveals a
small point of light. At the same moment an electronic
tone alarm directs the attention of the D.S.O. from
his reading to the scope.
8h CU - D.S.O. LIEUTENANT QUENTIN QUIFFER LOOKING UP
FROM "HI-JINKS"
He studies the scope calmly and frowns.
8i CU - RADARSCOPE
The D.S.O. moves a strobe marker to the blip.
8j CU - D.S.O.
Quickly figuring on pad.
LIEUTENANT QUIFFER
(routinely)
Bogey at one-four-five, approximately a
hundred and thirty-five miles.
8k CU - NAVIGATOR - LIEUTENANT "BINKY" BALLMUFF
Turning his copy of "Plaything" over so as not to lose
his place, plots a position. We see that the radar
contact is between the "Leper Colony" and the enemy
coast.
LIEUTENANT BALLMUFF
Probably another radar surveillance job.
8l CU - PILOT
Without looking up from his copy of "Plaything".
MAJOR KONG
(absently)
Yes, that's probably what it is.
8m CLOSE RADARSCOPE
The blip suddenly vanishes as the scope goes completely
white.
LIEUTENANT QUIFFER
(calmly)
He's showing off his ECM - jamming us out.
MAJOR KONG
(still absorbed in "Plaything")
I wonder why he's doing that?
LIEUTENANT QUIFFER
I was thinking the same thing. Shall I
give him a taste of ours?
MAJOR KONG
(still reading)
Why should we do that, Quentin?
LIEUTENANT QUIFFER
(goes back to "Plaything")
Yes, I suppose you're right, King.
8n CU - THE CRM - 114
This is the most highly guarded Air Command secret device.
It is an automatic code receiver which displays three
letters and three numerals.
It suddenly whirrs and clicks into life, displaying three
letters and three numerals.
8o CU - LIEUTENANT TERRY TOEJAM
Looks up slowly from his magazine, leans forward and jots
down the coded message. He carefully flips through a
code book.
LIEUTENANT TOEJAM
Major Kong, we got a message from base.
8p CU - PILOT
MAJOR KONG
(still reading)
Good.
8q MS - LIEUTENANT TOEJAM RAPIDLY DECODES THE MESSAGE
LIEUTENANT TOEJAM
I've decoded it, Major Kong.
MAJOR KONG
Good.
LIEUTENANT TOEJAM
It reads: Wing to hold at X-points.
8r CUTS TO CREW
The magazines are lowered in slow motion.
8s CU - BOMBARDIER - LIEUTENANT LOTHAR ZOGG
LIEUTENANT ZOGG
(into intercom)
I wonder why the're doing that.
8t CU - PILOT - MAJOR "KING" KONG
MAJOR KONG
(wisely)
They have their reasons.
8u CU - NAVIGATOR - LIEUTENANT "BINKY" BALLMUFF
LIEUTENANT BALLMUFF
But we've been up fourteen hours. I'm
beat.
8v CUTS TO CREW
Who mumble ad-libs of agreement with the Navigator.
Then slowly, each man goes back to his magazine and
his lunch.
8w CU - LIEUTENANT LOTHAR ZOGG - READING
LIEUTENANT ZOGG
(sighing)
Probably an exercise.
LIEUTENANT TOEJAM
(reading)
Probably.
MAJOR KONG
(reading)
They have their reasons.
VARIOUS CUTS
And now the six-man crew is still again, pondering the
mysteries of beautiful women and calmly digesting their
lunch.
MAJOR KONG
(wistfully to co-pilot)
Ace, do you think she's really a top
government secretary?
He refers to the double fold-out of Miss Milky Way.
CAPTAIN "ACE" ANGST
(cynically)
Yeah, I'll bet she holds the world's
horizontal short-hand record.
SUPERIMPOSE TITLE: "BURPELSON AIR FORCE BASE
HEADQUARTERS 843rd BOMB WING"
9 NIGHT - EXT. MOONLIT VIEWS OF BASE - VARIOUS CUTS
While the Wing is air-borne, the staff work is heavy, and
the ground crews work overtime to refit aircraft. The
runways are clear, and only the giant cicadas and the
occasional whine of an electric tool break the stillness
of the starry desert night.
10 INT. BASE COMBAT OPERATIONS CENTER
It is sunken fifty feet below the administration
building. Six officers man the command bridge.
A loud buzzer.
MAJOR MANDRAKE lifts special phone.
MAJOR MANDRAKE
Combat Operations Center, Major Mandrake
speaking.
GENERAL JACK D. RIPPER
This is General Ripper speaking.
MAJOR MANDRAKE
Yes, sir.
GENERAL JACK D. RIPPER
Do you recognize my voice?
MAJOR MANDRAKE
Certainly, General. Why do you ask, sir?
11 INT. GENERAL JACK D. RIPPER'S OFFICE
Large, plush, part Air Force, part big executive - swank
office decorations and furniture. A name-plate on his
desk reads, "General Jack D. Ripper".
GENERAL JACK D. RIPPER
(sharply)
Why do you think I ask?
MAJOR MANDRAKE
I don't know, sir. We just spoke a few
minutes ago.
GENERAL JACK D. RIPPER
(ruffled)
Youddon't think I'd ask if you recognized
my voice unless it was important, do you,
Major?
MAJOR MANDRAKE
No, sir.
The scene will intercut between MANDRAKE and RIPPER.
GENERAL JACK D. RIPPER
Good. Has the Wing confirmed holding at
X-points?
MAJOR MANDRAKE
Yes, sir.
GENERAL JACK D. RIPPER
All right, Major. I'm putting the base on
condition Red.
MAJOR MANDRAKE
Condition Red!
GENERAL JACK D. RIPPER
That's right. I want this flashed to all
section immediately.
MAJOR MANDRAKE
Yes, sir. What's up, General Ripper?
A significant pause.
GENERAL JACK D. RIPPER
You're a good officer, Major Mandrake. You
have a right to know. It looks like we're in
a shooting war!
MAJOR MANDRAKE
A shooting war!
GENERAL JACK D. RIPPER
Yes, Major. This looks like it's going to be
it.
MAJOR MANDRAKE
But...what kind of a shooting war? Have they
hit any of our cities yet?
GENERAL JACK D. RIPPER
Major, that's all I've been told. Just got
it on the red phone. The base is to be sealed
tight. And I mean tight.
MAJOR MANDRAKE
Yes, sir.
GENERAL JACK D. RIPPER.
That includes all communications and phones -
incoming as well as outgoing.
MAJOR MANDRAKE
What if someone wants to call us?
GENERAL JACK D. RIPPER
Let me worry about that, Major. I've still
got my red line to the Air Command.
MAJOR MANDRAKE
That's right, sir.
GENERAL JACK D. RIPPER
We don't want to be vulnerable to saboteurs
calling up and pretending to be different
people from the President down, do we?
MAJOR MANDRAKE
You're right, sir.
GENERAL JACK D. RIPPER
No calls from inside out. No calls from
outside in are even answered. No calls.
MAJOR MANDRAKE
I understand, sir. Nothing comes or goes
without your personal say-so.
GENERAL JACK D. RIPPER
(harshly)
No calls at all. With or without my say-so.
My voice can be imitated too, Major.
MAJOR MANDRAKE
Yes, sir. I just thought of something,
sir. How do I know I'm talking to you now?
GENERAL JACK D. RIPPER
Who do you think you're talking to?
MAJOR MANDRAKE
To you, sir. But how do I know?
GENERAL JACK D. RIPPER
Are you trying to be insubordinate?
MAJOR MANDRAKE
No, sir.
GENERAL JACK D. RIPPER
I hope not. Now, as soon as you do what
I told you, have Plan-R radioed to the Wing.
MAJOR MANDRAKE
Plan-R????
GENERAL JACK D. RIPPER
Are you hard of hearing, Major?
MAJOR MANDRAKE
No, sir. Plan-R to be radioed to the Wing.
GENERAL JACK D. RIPPER
As soon as you've done that, shut down the
communications center. Lock it up and
assign the personnel to base security details.
MAJOR MANDRAKE
General Ripper, if I shut down the communi-
cations center, there'll be no radio or
teleprinter contact with Air Command head-
quarters or anyone, for that matter.
GENERAL JACK D. RIPPER
Are you questioning my orders, Major?
MAJOR MANDRAKE
No, sir. I'm just bringing the facts to
your attention, sir.
GENERAL JACK D. RIPPER
You're a good officer, Major, and you're
perfectly right to bring these facts to my
attention.
MAJOR MANDRAKE
Thank you, sir.
GENERAL JACK D. RIPPER
Now, as soon as you've done that, double-
up on all base security teams. Our enemies
are plenty smart, and there might even be
an attack on the base by saboteurs.
MAJOR MANDRAKE
Yes, sir.
GENERAL JACK D. RIPPER
And lastly, all privately owned radios
are to be immediately impounded. They can
be used to issue instructions to saboteurs.
Air Police will have lists of all owners.
12 DAY - AIR SHOT - B-90 "LEPER COLONY"
13 DAY - INT. B-90 - VARIOUS CUTS
The crew is still wistfully absorbed in their magazines.
13a CU - CRM-114
It whirrs to life again. Clicking off three letters and
three numerals.
13b CU - LT. TOEJAM - RADIO
He idly glances up at it. Sighs, reaches for his code book
and starts decoding. He frowns.
LT. TOEJAM
Hey, King. Somebody at Burpelson has
a very perverted sense of humor.
MAJOR KONG
(reading)
Yeah?
LT. TOEJAM
I just got another blast on the CRM-114, and
the damned thing decodes: Wing Attack, Plan-R.
13c CU - PILOT - MAJOR "KING" KONG
He looks up pensively.
MAJOR KONG
Wing attack, Plan-R?
13d MASTER SHOT
LT. TOEJAM
Wing attack, Plan-R. That's exactly
what it says.
MAJOR KONG
(lets magazine fall in lap)
Check your code again. No one at base
would pull a stunt like that, Terry.
LT. TOEJAM
That's what I'm doing, and it comes out
the same.
There is a pause as they think of the unthinkable.
LT. "BINKY" BALLMUFF
(standing)
You must have made a mistake.
LT. TOEJAM
That's what it decodes. Come and see for
yourself, Binky. Wing attack, Plan-R.
The whole crew comes up and hunches over the CRM-114.
The plane cruises on auto-pilot.
LT. LOTHAR ZOGG
(softly)
Well, I'll be damned.
LT. TOEJAM
(holding out code book
to pilot)
Here, check it yourself.
13e CU - MAJOR KONG
His cheek muscles twitch under his bronzed face. He is the picture
of leadership. He turns away from the men for a moment, stares
thoughtfully into space, then turns back determinedly.
MAJOR KONG
(with quiet dignity)
Then this is it.
LT. QUIFFER
What?
MAJOR KONG
(solemnly)
War.
LT. QUIFFER
(awe-struck)
War?
CAPTAIN ANGST
(nodding gravely)
Yes, that must be what it is.
LT. BALLMUFF
(aghast)
War?
LT. ZOGG
(stunned)
What else could it be?
LT. QUIFFER
Maybe it's an exercise.
LT. BALLMUFF
Yeah, to see if we're on our toes.
MAJOR KONG
(wisely)
No, they wouldn't send us in with bombs
on an exercise.
LT. QUIFFER
Maybe they want to test our loyalty.
CAPTAIN ANGST
But we got the Go-code. It's never been
given to anyone before.
MAJOR KONG
(scowling)
No, this looks like the real thing.
LT. TOEJAM
(philosophically)
Yeah, it sure looks like the real thing,
all right.
They all soberly reflect on the wider implications of the
news. The BOMBARDIER cracks his knuckles.
LT. ZOGG
(shaking his head)
It's going to be rough on the folks
back home.
LT. BALLMUFF
Yeah - real rough.
They all shake their heads in melancholy agreement.
LT. TOEJAM
I wonder how it started?
CAPTAIN ANGST
Yes, how could it have started?
THE D.S.O. shatter the calm dignity of the crew by raising
his voice.
LT. QUIFFER
The bastards must have hit us!
LT. BALLMUFF
Yeah - but why would they do that,
Quentin?
LT. QUIFFER
How do I know? But they must have. We
wouldn't have started it.
LT. ZOGG
He's right. We wouldn't have started it.
LT. QUIFFER
(beginning to shout)
They must have clobbered some of our
cities already!
LT. ZOGG
He's right. They must have clobbered
some of our cities already.
LT. QUIFFER
The dirty, stinking, rotten, sons of B's!!
They might have clobbered Marge and the
LT. QUIFFER (cont)
kids already!
13f CU - MAJOR KONG
He studies LT. QUIFFER with a jaundiced look.
MAJOR KONG
(John Wayne)
Okay, cut it, Lieutenant Quiffer! If you
speak once more before I give you per-
mission, you'll face a general court
martial when we get back.
(looks around)
And that goes for everyone else.
He pauses for effect.
13g CU - D.S.O.
LIEUTENANT QUENTIN QUIFFER looks down sheepishly.
13h CU - MAJOR KONG
MAJOR KONG
(John Wayne)
Boys, we've got a mission to carry out.
It's not exactly a pleasant one, but our
country's counting on us, and we're not
going to let 'em down.
13i FULL SHOT - THE CREW
LT. QUIFFER
I'm sorry, Major Kong. I guess I was
way out of line.
MAJOR KONG
(extending his hand)
Forget it, Quentin. It can happen to the
best of us. Now let's get squared away.
With various ad libs of agreement, the crew scramble
back to their action stations.
13j VARIOUS SHOTS - CREW
LIEUTENANT BALLMUFF opens a small safe and searches out a
thick 8 x 10 sealed envelope marked "Plan-R", from among a
dozen others.
He shoots an inquiring look to the pilot and gets a nod.
He breaks open the seal and distributes individual folders
to each of the crew.
MAJOR KONG
Give me a first rough course as soon
as you can, Lieutenant Ballmuff.
LT. BALLMUFF
Roughly, one-zero-five. I'll have it
plotted in a minute, Major Kong.
13k MS - MAJOR KONG
He adjusts the gyro, banks the big plane, and opens his folder.
MAJOR KONG
(reading from his folder)
Okay. Check these points. Complete radio
silence. To ensure that the enemy can't
plant false transmissions and fake orders,
the CRM-114 is to be switched into all
receiver circuits. The three code letters
of the period are to be set on the alphabet
dials of the CRM-114, which will in turn
block any transmissions other than those
preceded by the code letters. You got it?
LT. TOEJAM
Roger, I'm setting up the CRM-114.
MAJOR KONG
Primary target the ICBM base at Laputa.
One weapon fused for air burst at ten thou-
sand. Second weapon to be used if first
malfunctions. Otherwise the secondary gets
it - the airfield outside of Karnak. Fused
air burst at ten thousand.
LT. BALLMUFF
I've got the heading, Major. One-three-eight.
MAJOR KONG
Roger. One-three-eight.
While he talks, other CUTS to the crew prepraring for battle.
MAJOR KONG
In about twenty minutes we start losing
height to keep under coastal radar. Cross
in over the coast low-level, continue low-
level on zig-zag legs to primary, and climb
for bomb run.
(pause)
Any questions?
LT. ZOGG
I've got one.
MAJOR KONG
Shoot, Lothar.
LT. ZOGG
Our targets are a missile complex and
an airfield - not cities, right?
MAJOR KONG
That's what I said.
LT. ZOGG
Well, if there's a war, they must have
hit us first.
MAJOR KONG
What's your point, Lothar?
LT. ZOGG
Well, if they hit us first, they've probably
fired off their missiles and got their planes
off the ground already. We'll just be hitting
empty real estate.
MAJOR KONG
Are you saying our order don't make sense?
LT. ZOGG
Hellnno, Major. I was just trying to think
the thing through.
MAJOR "KING" KONG
Lothar, you're down in the pay books as
a bombardier, and you're a damned good
bombardier. In fact, you're the best
damned bombardier in 843rd Wing.
14
15
15a COLONEL PUNTRICH
He sits at a table
a phone. Six other officers are around him.
COLONEL PUNTRICH
Hello? This is Colonel Puntrich of Air
Command Headquarters. Please connect
me with General "Buck" Schmuck.
16 NIGHT - EXT. MODERN HOTEL
DISSOLVE
17 SWITCHBOARD IN HOTEL
The night GIRL is reading a paperback murder mystery.
SWITCHBOARD OPERATOR
I'm sorry, sir. General Schmuck is
asleep and he isn't taking calls until
eight-thirty.
COLONEL PUNTRICH
What is your name, young lady?
SWITCHBOARD OPERATOR
Ceida Pietraszkiewicz.
COLONEL PUNTRICH
What did you say?
SWITCHBOARD OPERATOR
Ceida Pietraszkiewicz...P...I...E...
T...R...A...S...Z...K...I...E...W...
I...C...Z.
COLONEL PUNTRICH
(he pronounces it perfectly)
Now look here, Miss Pietraszkiewicz,
this is Air Command Headquarters
calling.
DISSOLVE
18 OMITTED
19 NIGHT - INT. HOTEL ROOM - GENERAL "BUCK" SCHMUCK
Phone rings. He wakes slowly, coughing from too many
cigarettes. He snaps on the bed lamp and picks up the
phone. The night table contains tissues, nose drops, and
a glass of water. There is a pretty blonde asleep in the
next bed, Miss Milky Way, Plaything of the Month!
GENERAL SCHMUCK
(angrily)
Yes!
COLONEL PUNTRICH
General Schmuck?
GENERAL SCHMUCK
Yes! Who the hell is this?
Miss MILKY WAY, about nineteen, appears from under the
blankets of the adjoining twin bed. She yawns and stretches,
revealing her astonishing body. She is indeed the same girl
we saw featured in the "Plaything" fold-out-inside the B-90.
COLONEL PUNTRICH
This is Colonel Puntrich, sir. Duty officer
at Air Command. I'm sorry to disturb you,
sir.
MILKY WAY
(yawning)
Who is it, Buck, honey?
GENERAL SCHMUCK
(covering mouthpiece)
Go back to sleep, baby.
COLONEL PUNTRICH
What did you say, sir?
She smiles, crosses over next to the General, and begins
playing with his ear. He shrugs her off, playfully.
GENERAL SCHMUCK
I didn't say anything. What's the meaning
of disturbing me at this hour, Colonel?
COLONEL PUNTRICH
General Schmuck, we monitored a trans-
mission about six minutes ago from Burpelson
Air Force Base, HQ 843rd Wing. It was
apparently directed to their Wing on air-
borne alert. It decoded as - Wing attack,
Plan-R.
She begins kissing his neck.
GENERAL SCHMUCK
Colonel, you're not drunk, are you, man?
COLONEL PUNTRICH
No, sir.
GENERAL SCHMUCK
Then why bother me with this nonsense?
Get in touch with the base commander.
She pulls him flat on the bed.
COLONEL PUNTRICH
We tried to contact General Jack D. Ripper
at the base, but all their communications
are dead, sir.
She sprawls on top of him.
GENERAL SCHMUCK
Well, that's ridiculous. If the teleprinter
and radio links are out of order, just pick
up a phone and pay for a call.
COLONEL PUNTRICH
I know it sounds crazy, sir, but we tried,
and nobody answers any of the telephones.
GENERAL SCHMUCK sits up.
GENERAL SCHMUCK
Does the threat board show anything?
COLONEL PUNTRICH
Well, that's the funny part of it, too,
sir. It doesn't show a damned thing.
20 NIGHT - EXT. LONG SHOT - BURPELSON AIR FORCE BASE
Buttoning-up activity continues as the men listen to the
GENERAL's broadcast echoing on a public address system.
GENERAL RIPPER
(public address system)
I want to impress on you the need for
watchfulness. A commie will try any
trick to breach the security on this
base.
21 PERIMETER FENCE - 10-MAN SECURITY DETAIL
Digging in a machine gun about ten yards outside fence.
The riflemen are spread out at 5-year intervals and are
digging foxholes.
GENERAL RIPPER
(p.a.)
He may come individually, or he may come
in strength. He may come in the uniform
of our own troops.
22 ANOTHER AREA - PERIMETER FENCE - 8-MEN SECURITY DETAIL
They set up another light-machine gun. A squad of riflemen
dig in too.
GENERAL RIPPER
(p.a.)
Trust no one, whatever his rank, who is not
known to you personally.
23 AIR POLICE - INT. HANGAR
Collecting radios.
GENERAL RIPPER
(p.a.)
Anyone or anything that approaches within
two hundred yards of the perimeter is to
be fired upon - without challenge.
24 INT. COMMUNICATIONS CENTER - MAJOR MANDRAKE
The last of the staff are leaving.
GENERAL RIPPER
(p.a.)
There are to be no exceptions to these
orders. Last of all, I want to say I know
all of you are worrying about your families
here on the base and all over the country.
25 INT. GENERAL RIPPER'S OFFICE
GENERAL RIPPER
Well, you can be sure other men are
defending your families elsewhere with
the same unyielding spirit we're going
to show here at Burpelson. Good luck
to you all.
RIPPER flicks the mike button and sinks wearily back
into his chair. He lights a cigarette and inhales
with satisfaction.
26 INT. COMMUNICATIONS SECTION - MAJOR MANDRAKE
Snaps off his desk lamp and walks down the long, deserted
room, double-clicking various power switches.
He picks up a small transistor radio and idly snaps it on.
A pop song ends and a disc jockey begins his commercial.
26a CLOSE - MAJOR MANDRAKE
He tunes in a few other stations. All programs are normal.
MANDRAKE frowns, thinks for a moment, and suddenly dashes
out of the room.
27 NIGHT - EXT. IMPRESSIVE GOVERNMENT BUILDING
Key personnel begin to arrive in cars which screech to stop.
28 NIGHT - INT. GOVERNMENT BUILDING HALL - VARIOUS SHOTS
Officers hurrying to their tasks. M.P.'S guard re-
stricted areas.
29 INT. WAR ROOM - (SEE PHOTO)
30 INT. WAR ROOM COMMAND BRIDGE
A very large conference room. One wall is an enormous
soundproof glass panel opening onto the various electronic
displays in the War Room.
Enter, PRESIENT MERKIN MUFFLEY, in a fury.
Rising around a very large, polished wood conference table
are the Chiefs of Staff, Army, Navy, and Air Force, as well
as various military and civilian senior aides - about
twenty altogether.
PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
(seething)
Good morning, gentlemen. Please sit
down.
They sit. There are readable nameplates in front of each
officer.
GENERAL "BUCK" SCHMUCK
Good morning, Mister President.
The PRESIDENT scowls.
PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
Now, what the hell's going on?
Four-Star Air Force General, "BUCK" SCHMUCK, stands and
assumes his maximum dignity.
GENERAL "BUCK" SCHMUCK
Well, Mister President.
PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
What kind of trouble?
GENERAL "BUCK" SCHMUCK
Well, sir, about forty-six minutes ago one
of my base commanders, General Jack D. Ripper,
sent out attack orders to the thirty-four B-90's
of the 843rd Bomb Wing, under his command.
Note: 1. The name Schmuck appears on page 1431 of the 1961-62
Manhattan Telephone Directory.
PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
General Schmuck?
GENERAL "BUCK" SCHMUCK
Yes, sir. He issued attack orders to --
A paroxysm of rage seizes the President, MERKIN MUFFLEY, as he
pounds his fist on the table, knocking over his nameplate.
PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
May I be stupid enough to inquire WHY IN
HELL THE BASE COMMANDER OF THE 843d BOMB
WING DID A THING LIKE THAT ???
GENERAL "BUCK" SCHMUCK
To be perfectly honest, Mister President, we
really aren't sure.
PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
You aren't sure!
GENERAL "BUCK" SCHMUCK
Not exactly, sir. You see, Colonel Puntrich
at Air Command HQ received a call from him
about twenty minutes ago. He asked General
Ripper if he had issued the Go-code and the
attack order, and General Ripper said:
(he reads from a
piece of paper)
"Sure, the orders came from me. They're
on their way in, and I advise you to get
the rest of Air Command in after them.
My boys will give you the best kind of
start, and you sure as hell won't stop
them now." Then he hung up.
PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
Damn it! Damn it! I've been telling
you all for years you've got too damned
many psychoes in the service.
GENERAL "BUCK" SCHMUCK
Be fair, Mister President. Didn't we
initiate the Human Reliability tests
for all personnel handling nuclear
weapons?
PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
Buck, when I told you to give them
right up to the top, you said we
couldn't insult a general officer
by asking him to pass a test to
see if he's a psycho.
GENERAL SCHMUCK
It was a honest mistake, sir.
PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
I presume the planes are armed?
GENERAL SCHMUCK
I'm afraid so, Mister Presient.
Being part of the air-borne alert,
each plane is carrying a full
load - about fifty megatons apiece.
PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
Well, what about the Positive Control,
the safety catch? Don't the planes
automatically come back unless they
get a second order?
GENERAL SCHMUCK
That's right, sir. But the planes
were at their Positive Control
points, ready to turn around when
General Ripper issued the final
Go-code.
PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
And I suppose there's some reason
why you haven't recalled them?
GENERAL SCHMUCK
Yes, sir. The base commander,
General Ripper, selected Plan-R?
PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
What the hell is Plan-R?
GENERAL SCHMUCK
Well, sir, Plan-R is an emergency
plan to be used by lower echelon
commanders if higher echelons
have been knocked out by a sneak
attack.
PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
Why can't you cancel it?
GENERAL SCHMUCK
Once the orders have been given,
Plan-R requires any new orders
to be received on the CRM-114
in the aircraft. But the CRM-114
will not receive any transmissions
unless they are preceded by the
proper three-letter code group.
PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
And I suppose you're going to
tell me you don't know what the
three-letter code is.
GENERAL SCHMUCK
Mister President, to guard
against espionage, the three
letter of the code group for
Plan-R are always selected
by the lower echelon commander
himself, just before each
mission. They are sealed in
the various attack plans and
are known only to the lower
echelon commander and his
deputy. In this case the
deputy is air-borne with the
Wing, and General Ripper
refuses to recall the planes.
The PRESIDENT shakes his head, wrathfully.
PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
How soon until the enemy finds
out what's going on?
GENERAL SCHMUCK
We estimate the planes should
be entering their coastal radar
cover in about twenty-five min-
utes.
PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
How could you let this happen,
General Schmuck?
GENERAL SCHMUCK
Mister President, I know you
think I've let you down, but
we had to have a Plan-R. If
we completely centralized the
command and control, all a
potential aggressor would
have to worry about was knock-
ing out maybe half a dozen
headquarters and the Capitol,
and we'd be out of business.
We'd have planes and missiles
just sitting there while we
were getting clobbered.
PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
Then there's no chance for
recall?
GENERAL SCHMUCK
I should say practically none,
though we have our communications
center plowing through every
possible three-letter combination.
The trouble is that there are
about seventeen thousand permutations,
and it will take us approximately
four and a half days to go through
them all.
There is a knock at the door.
PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
Yes, what is it?
M.P. CAPTAIN
Excuse me, sir. But the mess
orderlies are outside with the
breakfasts everyone ordered.
PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
(waspishly)
Captain, do you think the mess
orderlies would mind waiting
a few minutes until we have
finished our little meeting?
M.P. CAPTAIN
(confused)
No, sir...I mean, yes, sir.
I'm sure they wouldn't.
PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
(shouts)
Thank you, Captain. Now
shut the damned door!
He shuts the door.
PRESIDENT MUFFLEY (Cont)
I want to talk to the base
commander, what's his name?
GENERAL SCHMUCK
General Jack D. Ripper, sir.
PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
I want to talk to General Ripper.
GENERAL SCHMUCK
But we can't communicate with
the base.
The PRESIDENT leans back and thinks for a moment.
PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
General Faceman, are there any
troops stationed near the base
who are not under General Ripper's
command?
All eyes go to GENERAL "FLASH" FACEMAN, the Army Chief.
GENERAL "FLASH" FACEMAN
I believe so, Mister President.
PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
(in burning sarcasm)
Is it possible for you to
know definitely, General?
GENERAL "FLASH" FACEMAN
Yes, sir. I can confirm it, but
I believe there's a Special Services
outfit stationed just on the other
side of town, about seven miles
away.
PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
General Faceman, I want you to get
on the phone yourself and speak to
the officer in charge --
GENERAL FACEMAN
Yes, sir.
PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
(rapid fire)
Please don't say "yes, sir" until
I've finished speaking. Tell him
to get himself and his men moving
immediately. I don't even want
them to waste time dressing. Just
have them carry their weapons and
ammunition, and move 'em out by
any available means of transportation.
If they don't have enough vehicles,
commandeer cars off the highway.
I want them there within fifteen
minutes. And if he can't get them
all there, get as many as he can.
I want them to enter the base, locate
General Ripper, and immediately put
him in telephone contact with me.
You understand, don't you, General?
GENERAL FACEMAN
(starts out of room)
Yes, sir. One thing, Mister President.
PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
Yes?
GENERAL FACEMAN
Under a condition red alert, the
base will probably be sealed off
and defended by the base security
troops.
PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
I am aware of what a condition
red alert implies.
GENERAL FACEMAN
Well, sir, they may not allow
the Special Service troops to
enter the base.
PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
(sarcastically)
That's a very wise deduction,
General.
GENERAL FACEMAN
Thank you, sir. But what shall
I tell them to do if they are
denied entrance?
The PRESIDENT rocks in his chair looking as if he were about
to explode.
PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
Under the circumstances, General,
what would you think they should
do?
GENERAL FACEMAN
Well...I suppose penetrate the base
by force.
PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
You see, you knew the answer all
the time, General.
GENERAL FACEMAN
But that would mean some of our
own boys will get hurt, Mister
President.
PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
What do you suppose is going to
happen if General Ripper's planes
start bombing their targets?
GENERAL FACEMAN
That certainly would be a problem,
sir.
CADAVERLY
Mister President, how do you feel
about Civil Defense?
PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
Civil Defense...Hm-mmm...We don't
want to cause an unnecessary panic.
CADAVERLY
Shall we allow the situation to
mature a bit, sir?
PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
Yes, I think that's the wisest
policy for the moment.
31 EXT. FLYING SHOT - B-90 STING RAY
Tilting down toward the sea.
32 INT. B-90
LT. BALLMUFF
(navigator)
Make rate of descent fifteen hundred
per minute. That should slide us in
nicely under their radar cover.
MAJOR KONG adjusts trim, throttling back slightly to maintain
correct speed. We see the rate of descent indicator steady
at 1500, speed steady at Mach one-three on the Machmeter.
MAJOR KONG
Steady at fifteen hundred per minute.
Speed steady at Mach one-three.
The navigator, LT. BALLMUFF, glances at his Ground Position
Indicator, on which certain of the pilot's instruments are
duplicated.
LT. BALLMUFF
Roger, maintain.
MAJOR KONG
Lothar, take your checks now.
LT. ZOGG
Okay, Major.
LT. ZOGG, the Negro bombardier, is sitting in the midst of
his equipment, which comprises several radioscopes and a
battery of buttons and switch gear, as well as several banked
rows of lights. He goes through the checks quickly, at ease
wit the familiar equipment and a familiar task.
LT. ZOGG
Main search radar all green. Set for
maximum range, maximum sweep.
Again CUT between the pilot and bombardier, as bombardier
calls each piece of equipment in turn, and pilot checks them
on his list.
LT. ZOGG
Both electronic detectors set to swing
from stud A through H.
We see, on the bulky electronic detector, a small rotor
arm moving rapidly through the sequence of stud settings,
and flicking back to start again.
MAJOR KONG
A through H is correct.
LT. QUIFFER
(D.S.O.)
Main interference linked to electronic
detector. Fight interference on readi-
ness state.
MAJOR KONG
Check.
LT. QUIFFER
Missile and plane flight path computer
showing four greens.
We see the four lights winking on an off in rotation
on the computer.
MAJOR KONG
Check.
LT. QUIFFER
Zombies set to knock out local air
defense four hundred miles from
primary.
LT. ZOGG
Target approach radar tuning is right.
All approach transparencies are checked,
one through twenty-five.
We see bombardier take one of the transparencies, slide it over
approach radarscope.
MAJOR KONG
Check target approach.
LT. ZOGG
Bomb doors circuit is green, bomb
release circuit is green, bomb fusing
circuit is green.
MAJOR KONG
Check, all bomb circuits green. Okay,
Lothar.
LT. ZOGG
When do you want to arm the bomb for
the primary, Major?
MAJOR KONG
As soon as I've checked over the route.
About five minutes. All right?
LT. BALLMUFF
In thirty seconds count-down clock should
read eight-three minutes, King.
32a COUNT-DOWN CLOCK
Pilot's hand sets clock to "83"
33 DAWN - LS - BURPELSON AIR FORCE BASE
All the security details are in position, and everything is covered by
a peaceful hush.
34 CU - GENERAL JACK D. RIPPER POINTING A 45 AUTOMATIC - INT. HIS OFFICE
He gestures with the gun in a weirdly amiable way.
GENERAL RIPPER
Sit down, Major Mandrake.
34a MASTER SHOT
MAJOR MANDRAKE closes the door behind him and sits.
MAJOR MANDRAKE
(smiling nervously)
What's the gun for, General Ripper?
GENERAL RIPPER
Please don't take any notice of this
weapon, Major. I love all weapons, and
as of late, I've just taken to keeping
a loaded weapon nearby at all times.
MAJOR MANDRAKE
(laughs shakily)
Sort of like a new hobby, huh, General?
GENERAL RIPPER
That's right, Major.
MAJOR MANDRAKE still holds the little transistor radio which softly
plays a rock and roll tune. He smiles, idiotically.
GENERAL RIPPER
(softly)
I see you're playing your radio, Major.
Isn't that contrary to my instructions
for the personnel of this base?
MAJOR MANDRAKE
Oh, it's not my radio, sir. I picked it
up in the communications center.
GENERAL RIPPER
I didn't mean for anyone to play anyone else's
radio either, Major.
MAJOR MANDRAKE
Yes, sir. General, can I ask a question?
GENERAL RIPPER
Certainly, Major Mandrake. You're a
good officer, and you can ask me a question
any time you want to.
MAJOR MANDRAKE
Well, General Ripper, sir -- I was
thinking -- we're on a condition red,
aren't we?
GENERAL RIPPER
That is correct, Major.
MAJOR MANDRAKE
And a condition red means enemy attack
in progress, doesn't it?
GENERAL RIPPER
You know the regulations well, Major.
MAJOR MANDRAKE
Well, sir, I was thinking, if an enemy
attack is in progress, how come the radio's
still playing music? It's supposed to go
off, and all we should hear are Civil Defense
broadcasts.
GENERAL RIPPER
That's a good question, Major. Maybe if you
think hard, you can think of the answer
yourself.
MAJOR MANDRAKE
(timidly)
Well, I was thinking, maybe an enemy attack
is not in progress?
GENERAL RIPPER
And if that were true?
MAJOR MANDRAKE wrinkles his forehead apprehensively.
MAJOR MANDRAKE
(cautiously)
But then, sir, why have you issued the order:
Wing attack, Plan-R?
GENERAL RIPPER
Because I thought it proper, Major. Why else
would you think I'd do it?
34b CU - MAJOR MANDRAKE - AS THE FULL TRUTH SINKS IN
MAJOR MANDRAKE
You mean you are...starting...the War,
sir?
34c MASTER SHOT
GENERAL RIPPER
Suppose that were the case?
MAJOR MANDRAKE
(awe-struck)
But -- why...that would be an awful
thing to do, sir.
GENERAL RIPPER
Perhaps, Major. Perhaps. Pour me a
scotch and soda, please. And help yourself
to whatever you like.
MAJOR MANDRAKE rises unsteadily and goes to the built-in wall bar.
GENERAL RIPPER
Don't fret about it, Major. There's nothing
anyone can do about it now. I'm the only
one who knows the three-letter code group
for the CRM-114.
MAJOR MANDRAKE
I know that, sir.
GENERAL RIPPER
We've come a long way since World War II,
Major. And the lessons we've learned are
all in Plan-R.
MANDRAKE's hands tremble as he pours the drinks.
MAJOR MANDRAKE
I suppose they are, sir.
GENERAL RIPPER
You're damned right they are.
MAJOR MANDRAKE
How much soda, sir.
GENERAL RIPPER
Just a squirt.
He gives a squirt.
MAJOR MANDRAKE
That about right?
GENERAL RIPPER
(accepting drink)
Perfect. Thank you, Major. And now
let's drink a toast.
MAJOR MANDRAKE pours himself a big slug and keeps it straight.
MAJOR MANDRAKE
(raising his glass)
What shall we drink to, sir?
GENERAL RIPPER
(with the eyes of a zealot)
To peace on earth.
They touch glasses.
MAJOR MANDRAKE
General Ripper, can I ask another question?
GENERAL RIPPER
Ask away, Major.
MAJOR MANDRAKE
Well, General -- I was wondering, why are
you doing this? I mean why do you want to
start the war?
GENERAL RIPPER
I've given it alot of thought, Major. Don't
think I haven't.
MAJOR MANDRAKE
No, sir. I mean I didn't think you hadn't
given it a lot of thought.
GENERAL RIPPER
Do you remember what Clemenceau once said
about war?
MAJOR MANDRAKE
I don't think so, sir.
GENERAL RIPPER
He said war was too important a matter
to be left to Generals.
MAJOR MANDRAKE
I see.
GENERAL RIPPER
When he said it, fifty years ago, he might
have been right. But today, war is too
important to be left to the politicians. Do
you follow me, Major?
MAJOR MANDRAKE
I'm trying to, sir.
GENERAL RIPPER
You see, Major, at this very moment, while
we sit and chat, a decision is being made by
the President in the War Room. He knows
that the enemy will pick up our planes on their
radar in about twenty minutes.
MAJOR MANDRAKE
But when they do, sir, won't they hit back
with everything they've got?
GENERAL RIPPER
If we haven't taken any further action, they
certainly will. Doyyourhappen to remember
the statistics on our casualties in the event
of a full-scale enemy attack?
MAJOR MANDRAKE
Well, I think I remember reading the report
on that. Wasn't it something like a hundred
and sixty million?
GENERAL RIPPER
That's close enough, Major.
MAJOR MANDRAKE
But then why do you want to kill a hundred
and sixty million of our people, sir?
GENERAL RIPPER
You're being dense, Major. I certainly don't
GENERAL RIPPER (Cont)
want to kill so many of our people. And
neither does the President. Now look,
Major Mandrake. What happens if the
President immediately orders our entire
missile force to hit enemy airfields,
missiles and bases?
MAJOR MANDRAKE
I suppose we might catch them off their
guard.
GENERAL RIPPER
Our missiles would impact before my planes
were even discovered by the enemy, wouldn't
they?
MAJOR MANDRAKE
I guess so.
GENERAL RIPPER
I know so, Major. I know so. And add to that,
the whole Air Command force being committed to
clobber everything they've got.
MAJOR MANDRAKE
But even then, we wouldn't get everything. I
mean some missiles would abort, or they'd miss
their targets, or maybe the enemy have some
secret bases we don't know about.
GENERAL RIPPER
You're absolutely right. You forgot to mention
their nuclear subs. But it wouldn't matter.
Sure we wouldn't get off without getting our
hair mussed, but we'd prevail. I don't think
we'd lose more than fifty million people, tops.
MAJOR MANDRAKE
(hesitatingly)
But if you just let things alone, we wouldn't
lose anyone.
GENERAL RIPPER
Major Mandrake, I guess you don't follow what's
going on too closely, do you?
MAJOR MANDRAKE
Where, sir?
GENERAL RIPPER
(smiles patronisingly)
Where? Everywhere, Major. Everywhere.
MAJOR MANDRAKE nods, blankly.
GENERAL RIPPER (Cont)
Have you read much about the disarmament
talks, Major?
MAJOR MANDRAKE
Well, I know they've been going on for
years, and they haven't gotten any place.
GENERAL RIPPER
Not yet, Major. Not yet.
MAJOR MANDRAKE
And I guess they won't until they agree to
let us inspect inside their country.
GENERAL RIPPER
You're very naive, Major. Don't they say
they want disarmament?
MAJOR MANDRAKE
Yes, sir. But so do we.
GENERAL RIPPER
But we mean it because we are a peace-
loving country. Are they a peace-loving
country, Major.
MAJOR MANDRAKE
I don't know, sir. But they're just as
anxious to avoid a nuclear war as we are.
War just doesn't make sense any more, for
anybody.
GENERAL RIPPER
But war doesn't make sense precisely because
the weapons can kill an entire country -- right?
MAJOR MANDRAKE
Right.
GENERAL RIPPER
(the prosecutor makes
his point)
Then don't you realize the Bomb gives us
Peace not War? And, if that's the case, I
ask you again: Why do they want disarmament?
MAJOR MANDRAKE
(despairing)
Well, sir, like I said, for the same reasons
we do. I mean, all the experts say the most
likely way for War to start nowadays is by
an accident, or a mistake, or by some mentally
unbalanced person --
(lets his voice trail off)
MANDRAKE's discretion was unnecessary for it would never occur
to GENERAL RIPPER that anyone would think him mentally unbalanced.
GENERAL RIPPER
Go on, Major.
MAJOR MANDRAKE
(gaining confidence)
I was just going to say, as long as the
weapons exist, sooner or later something's
going to happen -- and that'll be it for
both countries.
GENERAL RIPPER
I've heard the arguments. Like Napoleon's
quote, "There's one thing you can't do with
a bayonet, and that's - sit on it."
MAJOR MANDRAKE
That's right, sir. And don't forget in a
few years a lot of other countries will have
the bomb. What if they start something?
GENERAL RIPPER
Go on, Major. You fascinate me.
MAJOR MANDRAKE
Well, sir, I remember an example that pointed
out that if a system was safe on 99.99% of the
days of the year, given average luck it would
fail in thirty years.
MAJOR MANDRAKE pauses to look for daylight. RIPPER returns his
gaze, steadily.
GENERAL RIPPER
I still ask, why do they want disarmament?
MAJOR MANDRAKE
Well, for the same reasons we do, sir.
Don't you see?
GENERAL RIPPER
No, Major, I don't. They have no regard
for human life. They wouldn't care if
they lost their whole country as long as
they won.
MAJOR MANDRAKE
Gee, sir, that last remark doesn't exactly
make all the sense in the world.
GENERAL RIPPER
(angrily)
Major, you're talking like one of them!
MAJOR MANDRAKE
(shook)
Well, I'm not, sir. Honestly, sir.
GENERAL RIPPER
Don't be offended, Major. Our President
holds the same views.
MAJOR MANDRAKE
Don't you think he knows something about
this, General Ripper?
GENERAL RIPPER
I'll tell you what I do think. If they say
they're for disarmament, I say anyone who
says they're for disarmament is either a
traitor or a damned fool.
MAJOR MANDRAKE
But, General, we're on our toes. We haven't
agreed to anything for years. Inffact, a
a lot of people say we never will.
GENERAL RIPPER
But if they suddenly opened up and gave us
the inspection we want, we'd agree, wouldn't
we?
MAJOR MANDRAKE
If they gave us what we think we need, yes,
I guess we would.
GENERAL RIPPER
And you'd like to see that?
MAJOR MANDRAKE
General, what's good enough for the
President and all the experts he's got
working on the thing, is good enough for
me.
GENERAL RIPPER
Do you think we'd cheat?
MAJOR MANDRAKE
No, sir. I'm sure we wouldn't.
GENERAL RIPPER
Do you think they would cheat?
MAJOR MANDRAKE
Look, sir. I'm no expert on the subject,
but I've read some pretty sharp ideas the
big boys have. Like, say, both countries
agreeing to a million dollar reward and
international protection for anyone who
gives evidence of cheating to the inspectors.
You can't hide those things without a lot of
people knowing about it. And if I were
going to try and hide a few, I wouldn't want
to depend on the fact that some poor slob
isn't going to run and blab for a million
bucks. We're as smart as they are, and if
they cheat, or even hold back information,
we'd pull right out.
GENERAL RIPPER
(shaking his head)
Major, I hate to say this, but I think you've
been enemy indoctrinated, and you don't even
know it.
35 DAWN - EXT. GOVERNEMT BUILDING
36 INT. WAR ROOM - COMMAND BRIDGE
Air Force General "BUCK" SCHMUCK is speaking as the scene opens.
The huge, polished wood table is neatly spread with the remains of
breakfast. Eggs and bacon, melon, toast, silver thermos jugs of
coffee, pastries, and glasses of ice water.
GENERAL "BUCK" SCHMUCK
In conclusion, I should like to observe that:
One, our hopes for recalling the 843rd Bomb
Wing are next to nothing. Two, in about
fifteen minutes the enemy will be making radar
contacts with our planes. Three, when they
do, they will go absolutely Ape, and strike
back with everything they've got. Four, if
prior to this we haven't done anything to
suppress their retaliatory abilities, we will
suffer virtual annihilation - in round numbers
a hundred and fifty million killed. Five, if
we immediately launch an all-out missile
attack on their bases, we stand an excellent
chance of catching them off guard. In that
event, we will destroy the bulk of their
retaliatory strength, prevail in the struggle,
and suffer relatively modest and acceptable
civilian casualties.
He pauses and confidently looks around the table. The PRESIDENT
stares at him inscrutably.
GENERAL "BUCK" SCHMUCK
If I may, I'd like to illustrate my conclusion
with a very brief story.
(a squinty-eyed smile)
I played guard on my high-school football team.
I wasn't particularly big for the line, and my
coach once told me something I've never for-
gotten. "Schmucko" he said - that was what
they called me in those days - "Schmucko,
always remember this. The harder you hit
the other fellow, the less you'll get hurt."
(confidently checks each game)
My recommendation is that we follow General
Ripper's action to its logical end. In
other words, to hit the other fellow as hard as
we can!
No one says anything.
ADMIRAL PERCY BULDIKE
What's your estimate of casualties if we
strike first?
ADMIRAL PERCY BULDIKE is a model of the crisp, tough
Navy man. His lean, rugged features are lit by an obvious intelligence.
GENERAL "BUCK" SCHMUCK
Under those circumstances, oh, I'd say for us
twenty to fifty million, depending on the breaks.
For the enemy, something on the order of fifty
million, if we stick to military targets.
ADMIRAL PERCY BULDIKE
You are very casual about those figures,
General Schmuck.
GENERAL "BUCK" SCHMUCK
Not at all, Admiral Buldike. Naturally, we all
deeply regret such a sad loss - and let me be
the first to say, I don't like the idea one bit
that we'd be clobbering their women and children.
But quit a few of their bases are very close to
cities and towns, and to would be unavoidable.
PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
Well, gentlemen, do you concur with General
Schmuck?
There is a nervous silence.
GENERAL "BUCK" SCHMUCK
Mister President, regretable as such a choice
is, there is a quantitative difference between
fifty and a hundred and fifty million of our
dead.
PRESIDENT
Buck. Suppose I said to you I was going to cut
away one quarter of your body - but not to worry
because you'd still be three-quarters good,
even if that three-quarters was rather monstrously
deformed and helplessly crippled.
GENERAL SCHMUCK
I don't think that's a fair analogy, sir.
PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
Admiral Buldike?
The ADMIRAL squirms.
ADMIRAL BULDIKE
(shaking his head)
I don't know...I just don't know.
PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
General Faceman?
He hesitates like a poker player deciding whether to make a call.
GENERAL FACEMAN
(cooly)
I'm afraid I have to flatly disagree with General
Schmuck's proposal. I don't see how we can
just cold-bloodedly hit them.
Enter TURGIDSON, a senior Presidential aide. All eyes turn to him.
TURGIDSON
Mister President, I've got their Ambassador
waiting upstairs.
PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
Good! Any difficulty?
TURGIDSON
I'm afraid so, and he's having a fit about
the squad of M.P.'s.
PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
Can't be helped. Have him brought down here
right away.
TURGIDSON
(exits)
I'd better do it myself.
PRESIDENT SCHMUCK
You're not going to let him in here - in the
War Room?
PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
The Ambassador is here on my orders.
GENERAL SCHMUCK
But he'll hear everything we're saying. And
if he just looks out of that window, he'll
see everything we're doing.
(SCHMUCK refers to the War Room
proper)
PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
(scowls)
That's the idea, General Schmuck.
(turns to ZLAT, another senior aide)
Zlat!
ZLAT
Sir?
The PRESIDENT looks up at a row of clocks which indicate world
time zones.
PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
Zlat, it's three-forty-five in the afternoon
their time. Put through a blitz priority
telephone call to Premier Belch. Try him at
his office.
ZLAT
(hesitates)
We've never communicated with him on such an
informal basis before. It's possible he won't
take the call.
PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
If they won't, Zlat, you'll tell whoever you
get on the phone, a couple of dozen of their
cities may be taken out within the next hour
and a half. He'll take the call.
ZLAT
(exits)
Yes, sir.
PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
Frankenstein!
Another senior civilian aide.
FRANKENSTEIN
Yes, sir.
PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
Frankenstein, I'll need a complete communications
system set up between this room and the Premier.
At least a dozen telephone circuits, radio, tele-
printers - the works.
FRANKENSTEIN
I don't think any of the maintenance or installation
men are in at this hour of the morning sir.
PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
(sourly)
Try, Frankenstein! Try!
FRANKENSTEIN
(exits, unhappily)
I'll try, sir. But I don't think it'll do any
good.
A phone rings.
36a VARIOUS SHOTS - EVERYONE FREEZES
ADMIRAL BULDIKE is closest to the phone.
ADMIRAL BULDIKE
Hello?...Yes...Who is this?...I see
...Just a moment.
PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
(softly)
Is it him?
ADMIRAL BULDIKE
(covering phone)
No, sir. I believe it's personal for
General Schmuck.
GENERAL SCHMUCK
(puzzled)
Personal?
ADMIRAL BULDIKE
Yes. A Miss Milky way, I think she said.
GENERAL SCHMUCK closes his eyes slowly, then assumes a very
businesslike look and takes the phone.
GENERAL SCHMUCK
Hello?...Yes, Miss Way...No, that's quite
all right...Uh-huh...I'm a little tied up
right now, Miss Way.
CUT TO
36b MISS MILKY WAY - FABULOUSLY SPRAWLED ACROSS HER BED -
INT. HOTEL ROOM
MILKY WAY
(southern accent)
Buck, I know you're a General and everything,
but if you don't learn to behave in a more
gentlemanly way, I'm going to have to give up
being a typist and take that movie offer...
Well, what's so important
(imitating him)
Yes, Miss Way. Yes, Miss Way. Well, look
now. I'm going to take a bath and have
breakfast and you come back here soon,
you hear me, "Buck" Schmuck?
37 DAY - AIR SHOT - B-90 "LEPER COLONY"
38 INT. B-90
LT. LOTHAR ZOGG
Bomb arming circuits are green, Major
Kong.
MAJOR KONG
Lieutenant Toejam, are you ready for Bim and
Bam?
LT. TOEJAM
Ready, Major.
38a VARIOUS CU - INSERT INTERCUTS
The actual arming is depicted as needing initial action by three of the
and bombardier, simultaneously.
MAJOR KONG
Primary arming switch.
LT. TOEJAM
Primary arming switch.
38b VARIOUS CU - INTERCUTS
Both pilot and radio depress a switch guarded by a safety trip,
marked "l". On the bombardier's control panel two greenlights
glow.
LT. ZOGG
Primary circuit is live.
MAJOR KONG
Primary trigger switch.
LT. TOEJAM
Primary trigger switch.
Pilot and radio again depress a switch marked TRIGGER. Again
two green lights glow on bombardier's control panel. He
depresses his own trigger switch. A third green light appears.
LT. ZOGG
Primary trigger circuit is live.
Radio has now finished his part in the action. He picks up a
computer but does not use it, merely holding it as he listens,
like the rest of the crew, to the remainder of the arming pro-
cedure.
LT. ZOGG
Release first safety.
MAJOR KONG
First safety.
The two operate their switches. Two lights again glow on
safety bank of panel.
LT. ZOGG
Second safety.
MAJOR KONG
Seond safety.
The second pair of lihts glow on Safety bank. Only one pair
now remains unlit.
LT. ZOGG
Fusing for ten thousand air burst.
MAJOR KONG
Check, ten thousand air burst.
We see bombardier turn nob setting. Needle creeps round dial to
ten thousand. Bombardier presses in succession three control
buttons marked: Electronic, Barometric, and Time.
He waits while the appropriate three lights glow on.
LT. ZOGG
Electronic, barometric, and time fusings all
set for ten thousand air.
Pauses, pushes back hair.
LT. ZOGG
Master safety.
MAJOR KONG
Master Kong.
Bombardier and pilot now press the last remaining switch, clearly
marked "MASTER SAFETY".
The two remaining lights on Safety panel glow, and bombardier
glances quickly at the banked rows of glowing lights.
LT. ZOGG
Primary bomb is live.
MAJOR KONG
All right, Lothat, that does it. Master
safety on now until bomb run.
LT. ZOGG
Master safety on.
They put the master safety switches up, and on the bombardier's
panel we see the two final lights go off.
39 DAWN - BURPELSON AIR FORCE BASE
40 VARIOUS CUTS - DEFENSE TEAMS WAITING
41 MACHINE GUN POSITION
Fifty yards outside wire perimeter fence, a first-sergeant and
two privates are hunched over a .30 calibre air-cooled machine
gun.
41a THEY SEE DOWN ROAD
About three hundred yards away, a jeep and three troop trucks
cautiously approaching.
PRIVATE STIFFSOCKS
How do we know they're saboteurs?
SERGEANT BLUNT
(peering through binoculars)
How do you know they're not?
PRIVATE TUNG
Shut up, Charlie. You heard what the
General said - two hundred yards.
The vehicles continue closer.
SERGEANT BLUNT
(swinging binoculars)
There's eight more trucks on the North
road!
We see the eight trucks about two miles away.
PRIVATE STIFFSOCKS
I suppose they must be subversives or
saboteurs. Why else would they suddenly
be coming at four in the morning?
PRIVATE TUNG
Natch.
41b OTHER CUTS AROUND BASE PERIMETER
of base defense teams watching over their weapons.
41c VARIOUS CUTS - ACTION SEQUENCE
SERGEANT BLUNT
(calmly)
Okay, Stiffsocks, open up.
The machine gun fires three longish blasts which spray across
the path of the land jeep. It swerves into a ditch and turns
over.
The convoy stops and we see troops leap out of the trucks, dis-
persing into the fields on each side of the road. Many are only
partly dressed.
Two men drag the injured from the overturned jeep.
41d VARIOUS CUTS - TROOPS WAITING
The scattered firing gradually stops. All we hear are insects
and the distant sound of the second truck convoy.
A loudspeaker suddenly clicks on in the distance.
COLONEL "BAT" GUANO
(loudspeaker)
This is Colonel "Bat" Guano of the 701st Special
Service Battalion. Why are you men firing on us?
Silence.
PRIVATE STIFFSOCKS
Should we answer?
SERGEANT BLUNT
Keep down, you dope, and open up on the first one
who shows his head.
COLONEL "BAT" GUANO
This is Colonel Guano. We are on a mission
from the President. We want to enter the base
and speak to General Ripper.
Silence.
PRIVATE TUNG
Brother, that's a beauty. A special mission
from the President.
SERGEANT BLUNT
I'll say one thing. You've got to give
the enemy credit for organization and
planning.
41e VARIOUS CUTS
Two hundred yeards away a skirmishing party of a dozen or so men,
widely spaced about thirty yeards apart, rises out of the grass
and begins to work its way forward.
PRIVATE STIFFSOCKS
(under his breath)
They've got guts too.
The machine gun fires. Three men are hit immediately, the others
dive for cover.
The firing stops. Ten seconds of silence.
COLONEL "BAT" GUANO
This is Colonel Guano. Men, you are firing
on your own troops. Unless you surrender within
sixty seconds, I am under orders to return your
fire.
42 DAY - FLYING SHOT - B-90 "LEPER COLONY"
43 INT. B-90 - NAVIGATOR
is hunched over his master search radarscope. See coastline
coming at top of tube.
LT. BALLMUFF
We should be crossing the coast in about six
minutes.
MAJOR KONG
Thanks, Binky. Can you see Bromdingna Island
yet?
LT. BALLMUFF
(concentrated on scope)
I don't think so.
He adjusts the brilliance of the radarscope.
43a RADARSCOPE
We see two flashes of light.
43b VARIOUS CUTS - ACTION SEQUENCE
LT. QUIFFER
(D.S.O.)
Missiles! Sixty miles off, heading in
fast. Steady track, they look like beam
riders.
MAJOR KONG
Roger, keep calling them.
(to co-pilot)
Knock off auto-pilot, Ace.
The co-pilot reaches forward and flips two switches.
CAPTAIN "ACE" ANGST
Auto-pilot off, King.
MAJOR KONG
Lock ECM onto master search radar.
LT. QUIFFER
(flipping switches)
ECM locked to master search radar.
He looks at the large ECM (Electronic-Counter-Measures) control
panel. It is an electronic marvel with all the appropriate blinking
lights, gauges, and oscillographs. He speaks to himself.
LT. QUIFFER
(to ECM)
You big, beautiful brain, you better start
thinking.
He gives the panel a pat.
CAPTAIN ANGST
Where do you suppose they were fired from?
MAJOR KONG
Quentin, have you picked up any aircraft?
LT. QUIFFER
Just the missiles.
MAJOR KONG
They must have been fired from Bromdingna -
probably one of their new Vampire - 202's.
They've got a range well over a hundred miles.
LT. QUIFFER
Forty-five. Still coming straight and fast.
Twelve o' clock.
MAJOR KONG
Speed?
LT. QUIFFER
Between Mach 3 and 4.
MAJOR KONG
Call them every five miles.
LT. QUIFFER
Thirty-five, still straight.
43c VARIOUS CUTS TO CREW
during sequence, as they sweat it out.
LT. QUIFFER
Twenty! Twelve o' clock and
straight.
43d VARIOUS CUTS TO RADARSCOPE
tracking the missiles.
LT. QUIFFER
Twenty! Twelve o' clock.
MAJOR KONG
Maximum ECM!
The bombadier flips six switches. Various indicators light up.
LT. ZOGG
Maximum ECM.
LT. QUIFFER
Fifteen! Twelve o' clock.
While D.S.O. watches it approach.
LT. QUIFFER
14, 13, 12, 11, 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, -
Pilot sharply banks the huge jet.
44 DAY - AIR SHOT - B-90 IN STEEP DIVING BANK
44a INT. B-90
Plane still in steep, diving bank.
LT. QUIFFER
Four miles, three...they're turning in
on us! They're coming in!
The pilot throws the plane in a violent S-ing, corkscrewing maneuver.
There is a deafening EXPLOSION in the cabin.
45 DAWN - GOVERNMENT BUILDING
Limousine and jeeps are scattered near the entrance which is
guarded by six M.P.'s.
46 INT. WAR ROOM - AMBASADOR DE SADE
AMBASSADOR DE SADE
(hysterical)
Mister President, I demand to be taken back
to my embassy at once.
The AMBASSADOR is clad in striped pyjamas and black, velvet-
collared coat.
PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
Please be calm, Ambassador De Sade.
AMBASSADOR DE SADE
(bitterly)
You will not get away with this vicious attack
on our peace-loving people.
The AMBASSADOR yammers away under the PRESIDENT's speech.
PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
Waffel!
WAFFEL
Sir!
PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
Please see how they're getting along on the
call to Premier Belch.
WAFFEL
(exits)
Yes, sir.
AMBASSADOR DE SADE
Premier Belch will not be fooled by this
fantastic lie.
GENERAL SCHMUCK
(doubling his fists)
Mister President, are you going to let this
stooge talk to you like this?
The PRESIDENT steps in front of the AMBASSADOR to protect him.
PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
General Schmuck! Ambassador De Sade is here
as my guest. He is to be treated with the
proper respect.
GENERAL SCHMUCK skulks off, scowling.
GENERAL SCHMUCK
If you say so, sir.
The AMBASSADOR was obviously afraid SCHMUCK was going to slug him.
AMBASSADOR DE SADE
(turns after SCHMUCK)
War-mongering bully! Don't think you're going
to intimidate me!
PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
All right, Mister Ambassador! But you must
treat General "Buck" Schmuck with the respect
due him.
The AMBASSADOR slumps down in his chair, miserably.
AMBASSADOR DE SADE
(pathetically)
Can I have a glass of water?
PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
Certainly - how about some breakfast?
AMBASSADOR DE SADE
(shrugs interestedly)
Possibly some coffee?
PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
(gesturing)
Moffo!
MOFFO, a clean-cut aide.
MOFFO
(steps forward)
Would you like anything else with it,
Mister Ambassador?
AMBASSADOR DE SADE
(unhappily)
I reall shouldn't. I'll ruin my diet.
MOFFO
Oh, surely you can break your diet a little
today, sir.
AMBASSADOR DE SADE
(shrugs, sourly)
All right - I'd like orange juice, three
fried eggs turned over, bacon, toast,
coffee, and some sweet rolls.
MOFFO and pencil catching up.
MOFFO
I'll have it brought right down.
AMBASSADOR DE SADE
(grudgingly)
Thank you. Oh - and can you bring me a pack of
AMBASSADOR DE SADE (cont)
cigarettes - any filtered brand?
Exit, MOFFO.
ADMIRAL BULDIKE
(holds out a pack)
Here, have one of mine.
The AMBASSADOR takes a cigarette. ADMIRAL BULDIKE lights it
with his Ronson.
AMBASSADOR DE SADE
(exhaling)
Thank you, Admiral.
PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
Now, Mister Ambassador. In a very few
moments we should have Premier Belch on
the phone. I intend to tell him exactly
what has happened. I merely want you to
authenticate certain facts for him.
AMBASSADOR DE SADE
(looks up suspiciously)
The food - you wouldn't put - anything in
it, would you?
PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
Don't be ridiculous.
AMBASSADOR DE SADE
I have your word, Mister President?
PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
Yes, of course.
GENERAL SCHMUCK
(savagely, from across the room)
We don't operate like you KGB boys.
PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
Knock it off will you, General?
(to CRUDLEY, an aide)
Crudley, find out what's holding up that
call!
Exit CRUDLEY.
AMBASSADOR DE SADE
Where are you trying to reach him?
PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
At his office in the Capitol.
AMBASSADOR DE SADE
If he's not there, try...
(thinks)
87 - 43 - 56.
PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
Did you get that, Kulnick?
KULNICK nods and exits.
During the next speech, AMBASSADOR DE SADE sidles up to the huge
plate-glass window opening out to the War Room. As he talks, he
sneaks out a Minox camera, and takes a picture.
AMBASSADOR DE SADE
His office won't have that number. It's a
very special phone number, and the Premier
can't trust his secretary not to tell his
wife.
GENERAL SCHMUCK has see him take the photograph and strikes like
a cat, grabbing for the camera.
GENERAL SCHMUCK
(grappling for camera)
Okay, pal - I'll take that!
The both fumble for the tiny camera.
AMBASSADOR DE SADE
Don't you dare touch me! What the devil do
you think you're doing?
GENERAL SCHMUCK
I caught you red-handed, Mister Ambassador.
AMBASSADOR DE SADE
Give that back to me.
GENERAL SCHMUCK
(flourishing camera)
What do you think of this, Mister President?
(triumphant)
I told you we shouldn't let him in here.
PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
What's the meaning of this?
AMBASSADOR DE SADE
I am sorry. Sub-miniature photography is
my hobby. It's amazing what excellent en-
largements you can make from the negative.
PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
(annoyed)
I'll hold this, if you don't mind. You can
have it back when you leave.
47 DAY - AIR SHOT - B-90
A thin wisp of smoke trails from inside port pod.
48 INT. B-90
All dialogue comes rapid-fire, amidst coughing, wiping eyes, etc.
MAJOR KONG
(flipping switches)
Shutting down three and four.
CAPTAIN ANGST
Fire systems operating on three and four.
LT. QUIFFER
(looking in scope)
Radar okay. No more missiles.
CAPTAIN ANGST
(flipping switches)
Everyone on emergency oxygen.
MAJOR KONG
(flipping switches)
All right...we're still flying. I'm
taking her down to the deck.
49 DAY - AIR SHOT - B-90 - STEEP DESCENT
50 INT. B-90
MAJOR KONG
Give me revs for maximum speed at sea
level.
LT. BALLMUFF
You know what that'll do to our fuel
consumption.
MAJOR KONG
Can't help it. What's the wind like?
LT. QUIFFER
Shouldn't be bad. Might even help. But
my guess is we're going to have to paddle
our way back.
MAJOR KONG
We'll worry about that later. Okay, I'll
take damage reports.
51 INT. GENERAL JACK D. RIPPER'S OFFICE
The popping of small arms fire outside. RIPPER still has MAJOR
MANDRAKE at the mercy of his .45.
Stray bursts of small arms fire have smashed the windows, and
occasionally a few shots tear up the wall. Both men are on the floor.
GENERAL RIPPER is philosophically drunk and very sentimental.
GENERAL RIPPER
(sitting on the floor)
You know, when I was a kid, I used to read a
lot. I loved to read. One of my favorites
was the "Jungle Book" by Kipling. Did you
ever read it, Major?
MAJOR MANDRAKE lies flat on the floor and trembles with fear.
MAJOR MANDRAKE
I don't think so.
A rifle shot splatters the window again. MANDRAKE flinches.
GENERAL RIPPER
You should. In particular, read the story
of the little mongoose, called Riki-tiki-tavi,
because of the noise he made. He was taken
in as a house pet. In the garden of the
house lived a couple of cobras, and pretty
soon the mongoose kills the male cobra because
he's laying for the man of the house.
MAJOR MANDRAKE manages a brave but idiotic smile.
GENERAL RIPPER
But the female cobra is left, and she's got
a clutch of eggs which will hatch a dozen
young cobras. She decides Riki has to go.
She says so, and she means it. The little
mongoose weighs up the odds. He can handle
the cobra if she comes after him. He just
has to keep his eyes open and be ready for
her at any time. But once the eggs hatch
and the young cobras become dangerous -
he's gone. He can't handle that many at
once.
A longish burst of automatic fire rakes across the wall, window
height, dropping three framed 8 x 10 photographs of Air Force
Generals.
GENERAL RIPPER
So he waits his chance, and when the female
cobra is causing mischief somewhere else, he
breaks the eggs. He has to kill the young
cobras since it's just a matter of time
before they kill him. So he acts and he lives.
He is safe, the people in the house are safe.
They can live their lives in peace.
GENERAL RIPPER is glassy-eyed with emotion. MAJOR MANDRAKE nods,
stupidly.
GENERAL RIPPER
Major, pour two more drinks, please.
MAJOR MANDRAKE creeps to the bar.
GENERAL RIPPER
(as if MANDRAKE were somehow
derelict in his duty)
Major, those are my boys out there dying.
MAJOR MANDRAKE
(making drinks)
Yes, sir. Why don't you stop the fighting,
sir?
GENERAL RIPPER looks at his watch and begins to nod. He keeps
nodding for about thirty seconds.
GENERAL RIPPER
You're a good officer, Major Mandrake. You
think of your men first.
MAJOR MANDRAKE crawls over with the drinks.
GENERAL RIPPER
(raising glass, moodily)
To peace on earth, Major.
MAJOR MANDRAKE
(mumbles)
Peace on earth.
They drink. RIPPER starts nodding again.
RIPPER picks up the p.a. mike and fumbles for the switch.
GENERAL RIPPER
This is General Ripper speaking. There
has been an unfortunate mistake. You have
been fighting our own troops. They are not
saboteurs. You will cease fire immediately.
I repeat, cease fire imediately. Good
work, men. I'm proud of you.
Shuts off button.
MAJOR MANDRAKE
General, now that you've done that, I beg
you to recall the Wing.
GENERAL RIPPER
Major, I happen to believe in a life
after this one, so I believe I will have
to answer for what I have done. I think
I can.
They touch glasses and drink.
GENERAL RIPPER
(choked with pride)
Major, go out there and stop the fighting.
MAJOR MANDRAKE exits, closing the door behind him.
51a CU - GENERAL RIPPER
Tears roll down his gallantly insane face. He picks up his .45
automatic.
52 INT. WAR ROOM
A telephone is placed on the conference table.
ZLAT
(speaking in a strange foreign language)
He covers the mouthpiece.
ZLAT
(excited)
They've got Premier Belch on the line.
He's at that other number.
(makes an inappropriately suggestive
hint)
but his interpreter is with him. You'll
actually talk to him, and he'll shoot a
simultaneous translation from you to the
Premier, and vice vrsa.
The PRESIDENT takes a deep breath, sits down, and takes the phone.
He thinks for a moment, forces a relaxes look, and speaks.
PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
Hello...Hello...Premier Belch...How are you?
...This is Merkin...Yes, Merkin Muffley.
How are you?...Merkin Muffley...Sure it is
...Just a second, will you hold on a second?
to AMBASSADOR DE SADE.
PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
He doesn't believe me.
(hands phone)
Please don't tell him more than that.
DE SADE nods worriedly.
AMBASSADOR DE SADE
(we hear a strange foreign language
understanding the name Merkin Muffley)
I told him the call was genuine.
DE SADE hands the phone back.
PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
Hello?...Yes...Uh-huh...certainly I understand
...Oh someone tried it on you once before...
Look, Belch, I'll tell you why I called...
Hello...Hello...Can you hear me?...Say, could
they turn the music down a little?...Oh, well,
could they stop playing?...Oh, good, I thought
we lost the connection there for a minute...
yes, I hear you very clearly...Well, look...
(clears throat)
You know how we've always talked about the
possibility of something going wrong?...With
the H-bomb...uh-huh...that's right...Well, it
happened...Hello?...Can you still hear me?...
What?...Not missiles - planes...that's right...
B-90's...That's right...Thirty-four of them...
In about an hour and a half...uh-huh...Uh-huh
...Uh-huh...Well, how do you think I feel about
it?...I know that...Uh-huh...Uh-huh...Well, why
do you think I'm calling you?...to work some-
thing out on this disarmament thing...Uh-huh...
Sure, but you haven't been reasonable...Uh-huh...
Uh-huh...Look Belch...Look, we're wasting time...
Uh-huh...a base commander...We're not sure...
Well, we think he's gone psycho...Had a mental
breakdown...We're trying to do that...We're
doing that right now...Well, we've got our fingers
crosses...we're hoping...We're trying that too...
Uh-huh...Uh-huh...Uh-huh...That's not fair for you
to say...We're doing everything we possibly can
...Certainly...Sure I can imagine...Uh-huh...
PRESIDENT MUFFLEY (cont)
Uh-huh...Uh-huh...Look, there's something
else. We want to give your Air Staff a
complete rundown on the targets, flight
plans, and defensive systems of the planes
...No, it's on the level...Sure I hate to
do a thing like that, but at this point it's
got to be a case of one hand scratches the
other...co-operate...Right now...Who should
they call?...The People's Central Air Defense
Headquarters?...Where?...In Karnak?...Right...
You'll call them first...Uh-huh...Do you happen
to have the phone number?...Just ask Karnak
information?...
(he gestures to GENERAL SCHMUCK who exits the
room)
What's that?...Yes, I'm listening...Uh-huh...
Uh-huh...a hundred thousand megatons...Cobalt-
Thorium-G casing?...What's that for?...Uh-huh
...Uh-huh...Irrevocable and automatic?...Uh-
huh...Why didn't you let us know?...Sure I know
the Party Congress is next week...Certainly I
understand..but what are we supposed to do about
it now?...Right...Okay, well, how long will it
take for you to get back to your office?...Right,
well call me back as soon as you do...BEdlock 3-
3333, extension, 2497...If you forget, just ask
for me...Right...Bye-bye.
Hangs up phone.
PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
(to AMBASSADOR DE SADE)
The Premier says that've got a Doomsday
Machine that can kill all human life on earth-
is that true?
53 INT. AIR COMMAND COMMUNICATIONS CENTER
About a dozen Air Force language experts are communicating via
radio, giving the information.
54 DAY - B-90 "LEPER COLONY" - FLYING SHOT - SEVERAL CUTS
55 INT. WAR ROOM
All eyes are directed to AMBASSADOR DE SADE.
AMBASSADOR DE SADE
(shaking his head)
It was to have been announced at the party
congress next week. I did not know the
fools would make it operational until then.
DE SADE is plainly shaken and swallows some iced water.
GENERAL FACEMAN
(skeptical)
Well, what the hell is a Doomsday Machine?
AMBASSADOR DE SADE
(pale)
May I have a cigarette?
GENERAL FACEMAN gives him a cigarette and lights it, as he
continues.
AMBASSADOR DE SADE
(shaking his head)
Well, it's ridiculously simple, really.
As you all know, the intense, lethal radio-
activity from a so-called normal nuclear
device dissipates itself at a certain rate.
Something like __________after the first
hours, ___________after twenty-four hours,
until at the end of a week, it's just________
of its lethal dose.
He takes a deep drag on the cigarette, holds it, and exhales.
AMBASSADOR DE SADE
Well, it has been explained to me that,
if you add a thick Cobalt-Thorium-G
jacket to a nuclear device, the radio-
activity resulting from such a nuclear
explosion will retain its lethal power
for a hundred years.
AMBASSADOR DE SADE
(continuing)
Our scientists calculated that the detonation
of fifty of our biggest nuclear devices,
jacketed in Cobalt-Thorium-G would enshroud
the earth in a hundred years of lethal radio-
activity from which no human life could escape.
In ten months the Earth would be as dead as
the Moon.
PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
Where is this...thing?
AMBASSADOR DE SADE
It is buried somewhere in the Grudd
Mountains.
GENERAL SCHMUCK
(suspiciously)
Do you mean to say you'd set it off in your
own country?
AMBASSADOR DE SADE
Naturally. It would kill us just as surely
even if we set it off in your country. But
this way we know it's safe, and we don't have
the problem of delivering it.
GENERAL SCHMUCK
Mister President, I can't buy this malarkey;
they wouldn't set the damn thing off. Why
should they?
AMBASSADOR DE SADE
You're absolutely right. We wouldn't. No
sane nation ever would. That's why it was
designed to trigger itself automatically.
GENERAL SCHMUCK
Then all you have to do is untrigger it.
AMBASSADOR DE SADE
Ah, but if we were able to untrigger it, that
would be defeating its purpose. All our
enemies would have to do, would be to warn us
in advance that they were going to violate one
of our unalterable triggering conditions.
We would bluff, naturally, but in the end
we would be insane not to untrigger it.
Now we can say: There is no point trying
to intimidate us, we don't control the
Doomsday Machine.
PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
(scornfully)
Mister Ambassador, what on earth possessed
your country to build this weapon?
AMBASSADOR DE SADE
First of all, economic reasons. It was
cheap. The entire project cost just a
fraction of what we spent in a single year
on our various space and missile programs.
It also seemed ideal in most other respects.
It was terrifying, convincing, automatic,
and extremely simple to understand.
He puffs the cigarette.
AMBASSADOR DE SADE
Still, any of our leaders opposed it on
the grounds: Yes, all well and good, but
what happens if it has to be used?
He sighs.
AMBASSADOR DE SADE
But, finally, one factor tipped the scales.
We received information from a very re-
liable source that your country was going
to build one.
PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
That's preposterous! We have no such
program!
AMBASSADOR DE SADE
The source was...shall we say, completely
reliable.
PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
The report is entirely untrue. I can assure
you of that.
GENERAL SCHMUCK
Damn it, Mister President. I've been
warning for years that we're still riddled
with traitors.
While the following dialogue continues, MOFFO enters with a
large tray of food. As unobtrusively as possible, he places it
on the conference table, and AMBASSADOR DE SADE pulls up a chair
with gusto.
PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
Funkel!
A thin-faced, studious man steps forward.
FUNKEL
Yes, sir.
PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
Do we have anything like this in the works?
FUNKEL
I'd heard some talk, but I wouldn't like
to say for sure, Mister President.
PRESIDENT
What??? Funkel, you're suppose to be my
scientific advisor! Don't you know?
FUNKEL
Perhaps Didley, in Weapons Evaluation might
know.
DIDLEY, a short, crew-cut, studious chap in his early forties,
smoking a pipe.
DIDLEY
(smiling manfully)
I'm afraid not, sir. But possibly Von Klutz
in Research and Development?
VON KLUTZ
(firmly)
I haven't heard of it, sir!
AMBASSADOR DE SADE
Perhaps you gentlemen would like to check
with the source?
GENERAL SCHMUCK
You mean you'll tell us his name???
AMBASSADOR DE SADE
It's not a he, General. It was an article
in the "Times" about a year and a half ago.
VARIOUS AD LIBS
What?
The "Times"??
I always knew it had subversive tendencies.
AMBASSADOR DE SADE
We get much of our most dependable information
from the "Times". As I recall the article
said a Doctor Otto Strangelove, at the Bland
Corporation, was working on the idea. Naturally,
you could not expect us to believe he would be
doing such a thing as a hobby!
There is a soft knock, and the door opens without waiting for a
reply.
MAJOR NONCE, one of GENERAL SCHMUCK's Air Force aides, enters.
GENERAL SCHMUCK
Yes, Nonce. What is it?
MAJOR NONCE
(factually)
Gentlemen, we have just received word that
the base at Burpelson has surrendered.
56 INT. GENERAL RIPPER'S OFFICE
The scene opens as if on a still photograph. MAJOR MANDRAKE
stands motionless and expressionless in the bullet-splattered office.
CAMERA
moves and reveals GENERAL RIPPER grotesquely sprawled, face down,
on the floor behind his desk, the .45 nearby.
MANDRAKE kneels next to RIPPER and confirms he is dead.
MANDRAKE rises and leans on the desk.
He sees a wallet of photographs neatly laid out, obviously RIPPER's
mother and father.
Examining the clutter on RIPPER's desk, he notices a ruled yellow
legal-size tablet. There are a number of boxes, heavily drawn.
CAMERA
moves in closer to tablet. We see a repetition of the phrase
"Peace on Earth." It is scribbled about eight times.
56a COLONEL "BAT" GUANO - ENTERS - PYJAMA TOP AND BATTLE GEAR
A tough, crew-cut, youngish (35) Battalion commander. Carbine
slung over his shoulder, helmet hanging from carbine, he swaggers
into the office standing for a moment, hands on hips, surveying
the scene. MAJOR MANDRAKE is seated at the desk, staring off into
space and apparently babbling utter nonsense.
MAJOR MANDRAKE
(weirdly)
Peace On Earth...Peace On Earth...
Peace On Earth...
He doesn't acknowledge COLONEL "BAT" GUANO's presence. COLONEL GUANO
stares at him suspiciously.
COLONEL "BAT" GUANO
(softly)
Major?...Major? I'm Colonel "Bat"
Guano, 701 Battalion.
MAJOR MANDRAKE
(pinching the bridge of his
nose and grimacing)
Come in...come in... Peace On Earth...
Peace On Earth...yes...
COLONEL "BAT" GUANO
Why are you saying that phrase over and over
again?
MAJOR MANDRAKE
I think that just might be it! Although it
could be Riki-Tiki-Tavi.
COLONEL "BAT" GUANO
(scowls, suspiciously)
What are you talking about, Major?
MAJOR MANDRAKE
(starting to babble)
The three-letter code group. Or maybe
some combination of the three letters.
P...O...E, or P...E...O, or E...O...P...
let's see, there would be six possible
combinations.
COLONEL "BAT" GUANO
(shouting)
Get a grip on yourself, Major!
MAJOR MANDRAKE
It might still be worth trying Riki-Tiki-
Tavi. R...T...T...There's only three
combinations of -- T...T...R, or T...R...T...
COLONEL GUANO gives MAJOR MANDRAKE an open-handed whack in the
face! MANDRAKE lets out a howl of pain.
COLONEL "BAT" GUANO
Now, snap out of it, fella!
MAJOR MANDRAKE
(holding face)
Who the hell do you think you are, sir???
COLONEL GUANO
(John Wayne)
I did that for your own good, fella. Now
I'm not going to pull rank on you. When
this is over, I'll be happy to step outside
with you and settle this thing. Right now
my orders are to locate General Ripper and
put him on the phone with the President.
MAJOR MANDRAKE
Well, you can't do that because he's dead.
He points to the floor behind the desk. COLONEL GUANO steps
forward and looks at the body. He kneels and examines the body,
suspiciously.
COLONEL GUANO moves carefully to the other side of the desk,
unslings his carbine, and covers MAJOR MANDRAKE.
COLONEL GUANO
Do you have any witnesses, Major?
MAJOR MANDRAKE
What?
COLONEL GUANO
What happened, Major? Some kind of
private beef between the two of you?
MAJOR MANDRAKE
(incredulous)
Look, I didn't shoot him!
COLONEL GUANO
We'll have to leave that up to the C.I.D.
boys, won't we, Major?
MAJOR MANDRAKE
Look, Colonel. I've got to talk to somebody
at Air Command.
COLONEL GUANO
Don't worry, Major. Your rights will be
fully protected.
MAJOR MANDRAKE
Colonel, don't you know what's going on?
COLONEL GUANO
Sure I do. There was some kind of mutiny
on the base, and you killed General Ripper.
MAJOR MANDRAKE
Look, General Ripper went off his rocker and
ordered the 843rd Bomb Wing to attack with
H-bombs.
COLONEL GUANO
(smiles)
You must think I'm an awful sap, Major.
(MAJOR MANDRAKE starts
to move)
Just sit down, fella, and keep your hands
on the desk!
MAJOR MANDRAKE
Didn't they tell you?
COLONEL GUANO
(shaking head)
They told me, Major. And I didn't hear
anything about any atomic attack.
MAJOR MANDRAKE
(talks slowly and simple)
Look, Colonel. You keep me covered, but
let me just pick up this red telephone
that connects to Air Command headquarters.
Okay?...I won't play any tricks on you...
Okay?
COLONEL GUANO can't think of any good reason not to.
COLONEL GUANO
Okay, fella. But just move slow and don't
do anything that might surprise me.
MAJOR MANDRAKE
Sure...sure, Colonel. Now look, I'm picking
up the phone...nice and slow. Right?...Hello?
...Hello?
(he clicks the receiver)
Hello?...Hello?...Gee, it must be edad.
Probably the lines were hit during the fighting.
COLONEL GUANO watches him like a hawk.
MAJOR MANDRAKE
Now look, I'm picking up this ordinary
telephone. See?...Hello?...Hello?...
Nuts, the lines must still be disconnected.
(he smiles idiotically)
The General had us disconnect...
(he lets his voice trail off
when he sees RUDLEY's weird look
of hatred and suspicion)
MAJOR MANDRAKE
(desperately)
Look, Colonel. Maybe it's too late.
Maybe they've sent Air Command in
already. But we've got to try to con-
tact somebody.
COLONEL GUANO
On your feet, fella. I've got to get
outside and see how my men are.
MAJOR MANDRAKE
Okay, Colonel. But look, there's a pay
phone just outside in the hall. Maybe
that works, huh? Maybe it'll work? What
do you think?
COLONEL GUANO
You've wasted enough of my time, fella.
MAJOR MANDRAKE
(snaps his fingers)
Wait a minute. The President!! That's it!
The President!!!
COLONEL GUANO
(suspiciously)
What about the President?
MAJOR MANDRAKE
He wanted to talk to General Ripper, didn't
he?
COLONEL GUANO
(the wheel turns slowly)
So what?
MAJOR MANDRAKE
Well, I'm General Ripper's Executive officer.
He'll want to talk to me.
COLONEL GUANO's mind is not prepared for this new twist. He cocks
his head to one side and studies MANDRAKE.
MAJOR MANDRAKE
Don't you see? He'll want to talk to me!
And if he finds out that you wouldn't let
MAJOR MANDRAKE (Cont)
him talk to me...Well, I'd say you'd be
in for a pretty severe reprimand, Colonel.
QUICK DISSOLVE
56b PHONE BOOTH IN HALL - MANDRAKE AND GUANO
MAJOR MANDRAKE is seated in the booth, illuminated by a bright
flourescent overhead, his hand on the half-closed door. COLONEL
GUANO leans against the door jamb, listening. His carbine points
down, but his grip indicates he isn't taking any chances.
MAJOR MANDRAKE
(a lot of change spread out
in front of him)
Operator, this is Major Mandrake at
Burpelson Air Force Base. I would like
to place an emergency call to Merkin Muffley
at the Capitol. That's right, the President
...Try the War Room.
He smiles, hopefully, at COLONEL GUANO's sinister face.
MAJOR MANDRAKE
That's right, operator, the President...
Operator, how much will that be for the
first three minutes?...Two dollars and
twenty-five cents?
He quickly counts his change and sees it's not enough. He starts
fumbling through his pockets. No more change.
MAJOR MANDRAKE
Look, operator, can you make this a collect
call? That's right, Major Mandrake from
Burpelson...They aren't allowed to?...Tell
them it's terrifically important...Just a
second...
He opens the door and addresses COLONEL GUANO.
MAJOR MANDRAKE
Colonel, they aren't allowed to accept
any collect long-distance calls. The operator
MAJOR MANDRAKE (Cont)
says it's policy. I need fifty-five cents.
COLONEL GUANO
(contemptuously)
I wouldn't carry loose change going into
combat.
MAJOR MANDRAKE looks around desperately. A Coke machine
stands next to the phone booth.
MAJOR MANDRAKE
Operator...How much would the call be
station-to-station?...Thirty-five cents
cheaper?...I'd still be short twenty cents
...Just a second, operator...
(covers mouthpiece)
Colonel, shoot the lock off the Coke machine.
(he points)
There's bound to be enough change in there.
COLONEL GUANO
(weakly)
That's government property, Major.
MAJOR MANDRAKE
Colonel, remember, a reprimand from the
President can be pretty serious to a career
officer...Just a second, operator, I know
I have it somewhere.
COLONEL GUANO apologetically fires a shot into the coin box.
Coins spill on the floor in profusion, as well as a stream of Coke
in the COLONEL's sputtering face.
57 DAY - B-90 - FLYING SHOT - SEVERAL CUTS
As the "Leper Colony" presses on.
58 INT. WAR ROOM
Enter, GENERAL "BUCK" SCHMUCK.
GENERAL SCHMUCK
(with quiet majesty)
Mister President, Gentlemen, we are
saved.
AD LIBS
(overlapping)
What?
Wow!
You mean that was it?
The old know-how.
GENERAL SCHMUCK basks in the grandeur of the moment.
GENERAL SCHMUCK
It was a variation of "Peace on Earth" -
OPE to be exact.
AD LIBS
(overlapping)
Can you beat that?
Peace on Earth.
Brother!
The human mind sure is amazing.
PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
Have you received acknowledgements from
every plane?
GENERAL SCHMUCK
They're coming in now.
PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
How long will it take to receive them all?
GENERAL SCHMUCK
I'm not certain, Mister President. The boys
in CONCOM do the pencil work.
The tone of GENERAL SCHMUCK's remark is as if to say: I am not
your errand boy.
PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
General Schmuck, if you don't know the
answer, please find out!
GENERAL SCHMUCK decides against a head-on collision.
GENERAL SCHMUCK
I believe it will be just a few minutes, at the
most.
PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
How many planes did we lose?
GENERAL SCHMUCK
I'm not certain, Mister President. But I believe
it was four.
PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
General Faceman, what was the name of the
officer who called me from Burpelson?
GENERAL FACEMAN
I didn't speak to him, sir. But Colonel "Bat"
Guano was in command of the Special Service
battalion, so I would imagine he did.
PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
I want him upped to Brigadier General, and
recomended for the D.S.C.
GENERAL FACEMAN
(beaming)
Yes, sir.
GENERAL SCHMUCK
I don't know about the rest of you, Gentlemen,
but I'm going to get down on my knees and
say a short prayer of thanks.
AMBASSADOR DE SADE stands with a flourish of contempt, pushing
away his breakfast tray.
AMBASSADOR DE SADE
Excuse me, but I'm afraid I have many more
urgent things to attend to. I should appreciate
it if you would delay your pious moment long
enough for me to say something.
His tone of voice is loaded with contempt, challenge, and atheism.
PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
(darkly)
Yes?
AMBASSADOR DE SADE
Allow me to assure you that my government
will not be satisfied with a polite note of
regret for this shocking example of aggression
against our peace-loving people.
THE PRESIDENT has just about had it with De Sade and is stung
by the rudeness of his tone.
PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
Damn you, de Sade! You know as well as I do
that this was the act of a mentally sick man -
a single individual, whose crack-up can probably
be traced to the strains and tensions caused by
your country.
AMBASSADOR DE SADE
(haughtily)
It is very convenient to place all the blame on
a dead man.
PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
(fiercely)
How dare you talk to me in this manner?
AMBASSADOR DE SADE scornfully replies with silence.
PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
(boiling with indignation)
This dreadful accident could never have happened
if your government hadn't cynically and hypocritic-
ally blocked every proposal we made for disarmament
or arms control!!
AMBASSADOR DE SADE
(waspishly)
Bah! All you wanted to do was spy in our
country!
PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
(wrathfully)
That's nonsense, and you know it!
AMBASSADOR DE SADE
(acrimoniously)
I know nothing of the sort!
PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
(exasperated)
Surely, you don't expect us to destroy our
weapons without being able to verify that
you are doing the same?
AMBASSADOR DE SADE
And surely you don't expect us to let you spy
in our country before you destroy your weapons.
PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
(savagely)
Don't you realize that despite your incredible
distrust and suspicion, that in fact, you place a
far greater trust in us than inspection would
require? You trust us not to cause a war accidentally
- and, of course, we are obliged to place the same
trust in you.
The PRESIDENT walks close to DE SADE, eyes flashing.
PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
(raging)
Is there a single phase of human activity that is
free from the idiotic mischance? How often do we
read of banks adding three zeros to a hundred
dollar deposit? Or the Postal Department engraving
a stamp with the wrong amount? Or an operation
performed on the wrong patient?
The PRESIDENT continues with mounting fury.
PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
(shouting rabidly)
The bomb may deter a rational leader from
choosing deliberate war, but it cannot deter
a madman, or a short-circuit, or an error in
judgment. And since neither of us can reduce
the chances for the idiotic mischance to
zero, it simply becomes a question of when?
ZLAT has been holding the phone.
ZLAT
Mister President, I think Premier Belch
is coming back on the line. He's back in
his office.
59 DAY - LOW LEVEL - FLYING SHOT - B-90 - OVER ARCTIC TERRAIN
60 INT. B-90 - VARIOUS CUTS TO CREW
Low-level terrain features flashing by.
MAJOR KONG
Let's have a rundown on the damage, Lothar?
LT. ZOGG
(bombardier)
Everything still checks out okay.
MAJOR KONG
Binky?
LT. BINKY BALLMUFF
(navigator)
Okay, Major.
MAJOR KONG
Check. Quentin?
LT. QUENTIN QUIFFER
(peevishly)
Look, I haven't really been able to check -
I'm shot.
MAJOR KONG
Are you hit bad?
LT. QUIFFER
Yeah, I got it in the thigh.
MAJOR KONG
Lieutenant Toejam, why don't you help him?
The radio man, LIEUTENANT TERRY TOEJAM, is sitting right next to
the wounded D.S.O.
LT. TOEJAM
I thought I should check out the damage first.
My gear is busted up pretty bad.
MAJOR KONG
Lieutenant Toejam's going to help you in a
minute. Can you check your ECM?
LT. QUIFFER
Why can't he help me now? He's sitting
two feet away from me!
MAJOR KONG
Come on, Quentin, isn't that pretty selfish,
putting yourself ahead of the mission?
LT. QUIFFER
Look, I'm shot - it hurts.
MAJOR KONG
(firmly)
Lieutenant Quiffer, we're all sorry you were
hit, and we'll help you stick it together as
soon as we get squared away.
LT. QUIFFER
Look, can't someone help me?
CAPTAIN ANGST
(unsympathetically)
King, I'm not busy.
MAJOR KONG
(shrugs)
Captain Angst is coming back to help you.
LT. TOEJAM
Major Kong, I'm still trying to unravel the
leads, but it looks hopeless. All radio gear
is kaput, including the CRM-114. I guess
we're on our own.
60a CU - CRM-114 - IT IS SMASHED AND TWISTED AND CHARRED
60b CU - MAJOR KONG
MAJOR KONG
All right, then, here's the situation.
With our ECM and staying on the deck, they
shouldn't be able to track us on radar.
We should make it to the primary and take
out the missile base. We're burning up alot
of fuel at this altitude, and we may not make
it back to a useable base. But I think there's
an excellent chance to bail out over neutral
territory.
61 INT. WAR ROOM
The PRESIDENT speaks with the confidence of a salesman after he
has closed a deal. The Ambassador is still there.
PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
Hello?...Belch?...I just wanted to let you
know everything's all right...Uh-huh...
Certainly...We broke the code...Uh-huh...
Yes, they've all acknowledged the recall...
Uh-huh...Thirty...Originally?...there were
thirty-four...That's right - we figure
four shot down...Are you sure of that?...
I see...Will you hold it for a second.
The PRESIDENT covers the phone and fixes a withering look on
GENERAL "BUCK" SCHMUCK.
PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
General Schmuck, are you positive of your
figures?
GENERAL SCHMUCK
Naturally I am, sir.
PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
He says they've only shot down three planes.
GENERAL SCHMUCK
Well, if you choose to take his word over
mine ---
PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
Look, he's there, and you're here.
GENERAL SCHMUCK
(nettled)
Mister President, there were thirty-four
aircraft involved. Thirty acknowledged
the recall. That makes four shot down.
PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
(back to phone)
Hello, are you still there?...Uh-huh...I'll
be right back. We're still working this thing out.
Covering the phone, the PRESIDENT directs himself again to
SCHMUCK.
PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
How do you know they were shot down, Buck?
GENERAL SCHMUCK
Well, just common sense, sir. Thirty from
thirty-four equals four, or my name's not
"Buck" Schmuck!
The PRESIDENT dolefully digests GENERAL SCHMUCK's logic.
There is a low, squawking sound from the telephone.
PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
Hello?...Yes...What?...Uh-huh...You're
absolutely certain?
(sighs)
Hold it a second, will you?
(covers phone)
He says they've just received a report of a
single, low-flying B-90 apparently still
continuing on an attack mission, to what they
assume would be a missile complex at a place
called Laputa.
AD LIBS
What?
Impossible!
Ridiculous!
During the last part of the PRESIDENT's speech, another phone rang
several times. TURGIDSON picked it up and talked in hushed tones.
TURGIDSON
(softly)
General Schmuck, it's Miss Milky Way again.
She insists on speaking to you.
GENERAL SCHMUCK
Good Lord, Turgidson! I can't talk to her now.
TURGIDSON
I told her you were busy, General Schmuck, but
she got rather huffy.
GENERAL SCHMUCK
(wearily)
Turgidson, tell her I'll call her back in a few
minutes.
ADMIRAL BULDIKE
(replaces phone)
Mister President, the latest radar contacts
indicate the enemy are still building up
over the Arctic pack. We estimate five-hundred-
plus aircraft.
62 DAY - LOW LEVEL - B-90 FLYING SHOT
63 INT. B-90 - OVER PILOT'S SHOULDER
Looking out over nose of the plane. Trees, a road, a cluster of
houses, a small town, all flash by.
63a VARIOUS CUTS AND INSERTS
The D.S.O. is bandaged up and apparently functioning again.
LT. QUIFFER
Major Kong, I have two blips - must be
fighters.
See insert of radarscope.
MAJOR KONG
Roger.
LT. QUIFFER
(looks at radarscope again)
Fighters closing fast - range fifty miles.
MAJOR KONG
They must have made a visual contact.
LT. QUIFFER
Must be Mach two-five stuff. Altitude
fifteen thousand.
MAJOR KONG
They can't touch us at this height.
LT. QUIFFER
They're moving apart.
DISSOLVE
64 INT. WAR ROOM
Enter GENERAL SCHMUCK, shaking his head morosely.
GENERAL SCHMUCK
It's beginning to look like someone's made
somewhat of an error, sir.
The PRESIDENT closes his eyes and breathes heavily.
PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
(softly)
Yes?
GENERAL SCHMUCK
Well, sir, it looks like one aircraft, the
"Leper Colony", failed to receive the recall.
PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
Have you tried the recall again?
GENERAL SCHMUCK
Yes, sir. We're still sending it. But it's
a funny thing we don't seem to be able to make
any contact with the aircraft at all.
PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
What's the target.
GENERAL SCHMUCK
Well, the Premier doped it out pretty well.
Its primary is their missile base at Laputa.
The PRESIDENT slumps into a chair.
PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
(mournfully)
Is there any chance a single aircraft can
penetrate the entire enemy Air Defense, when
its course and target are known?
GENERAL SCHMUCK
(glancing at the AMBASSADOR)
If I can speak freely, sir -- look, these guys
talk big, but frankly, we think they're short of
know-how. You can't just take a bunch of ignorant
peasants and expect them to understand a machine
like one of our boys, and I don't mean that as an
insult, Mister Ambassador. Hell, we all know what
kind of guts your people have. Why just look how
many millions of 'em those Nazis
(pronounced NAZZEES)
killed and, hell, they still wouldn't quit.
PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
General, stick to the point, please.
GENERAL SCHMUCK
(making diving aircraft hands)
Well, sir, if the A/C's a really good man, I
mean really sharp, why he can barrel that
plane along so low - well you just have to
see it some time. A real big plane, like a
Sting Ray, zig-zagging in, its jet exhaust
frying chickens in the barnyard ---
(almost feverish with
excitement)
Has he a chance?.....Hell, yes! He has one
hell of a chance.
65 DUSK - LOW LEVEL - B-90
66 INT. B-90 VARIOUS CUTS
LT. QUIFFER
They're starting down, King. Looks like
LT. QUIFFER (Cont)
they're going to cross in port and starboard.
MAJOR KONG
If they come down low enough to make a firing
pass, they'll never be able to pull up in time.
LT. QUIFFER
I think they mean business.
MAJOR KONG
Hang on, boys.
He starts a violent series of S-ing and zig-zagging.
67 TWO ENEMY "KILLERSHARK" ALL-WEATHER FIGHTERS
maneuver in a steep dive, trying to hang on to their slower and
more maneuverable quarry.
67a REAR SHOT - LOW LEVEL - B-90 - S-ING AND ZIG-ZAGGING
at tree-top height, over the moonlit countryside.
67b VARIOUS INTERCUTS - AIRCRAFT MANEUVERING
67c ENEMY FIGHTERS
Each fires a salvo of rockets from above, a bad angle for heat-
seeking missiles.
67d B-90 TAKING EVASIVE ACTION
The rockets pass over and under, exploding with bright flashes as
they hit the ground.
67e ONE ROCKET
is exploded by its proximity fuse about nine feet from the fuselage,
just behind the crew section.
67f INT. B-90 - VARIOUS QUICK CUTS
Flash, black smoke, choking coughs.
67g ENEMY FIGHTERS
Make no attempt to pull out of their dives and continue to maneuver
apparently trying to ram the bomber. They swoop down and in from
port and starboard like two hawks.
67h B-90
wildly maneuvers and manages narrowly to evade both fighters who,
unable to pull up, explode against the ground in bright balls of
flames.
68 INT. B-90 - VARIOUS CUTS
The smoke has cleared to a greyish mist. A jagged hole about
four feet at its widest has been blasted out of the rear of the
crew section.
68a MAJOR KONG
is wounded in the back. His vision clouds with pain as he fights
to maintain consciousness.
MAJOR KONG
Ace, you better take it. All fire switches...
on.
He turns to the co-pilot.
68b CO-PILOT "ACE" ANGST IS DEAD
though no wound is apparent.
68c MAJOR KONG
spasmodically takes deep breaths. Summoning up all his nerve and
concentration, he leans forward and flips the "fire" switches at
the same time flying the plane and intermittently glancing into the
moonlit terrain flashing under the nose of the big plane.
68d VARIOUS CUTS
MAJOR KONG
Somebody come up here quick, I'm hit.
The seating arrangement in the B-90 is such that the upper deck
places the D.S.O. and the radio man about ten feet behind the pilot
and co-pilot, facing the tail of the plane.
The bombardier and the navigator sit facing forward on a second
and lower level.
Naturally, Major Kong expects help from the nearest crew-
member, the D.S.O. or the radio man.
MAJOR KONG
Come on! Hurry up.
He twists himself painfully to look over his shoulder.
68e TWO SHOT - LT. QUIFFER AND LT. TOEJAM
The D.S.O. studiously attends to his work. The radio, Lieutenant
TERRY TOEJAM, sits cross-legged, examining his ankle.
LT. QUIFFER
(without turning around)
Sorry, King. My leg's stiff as a board.
MAJOR KONG
(to radio man)
Hey, Terry, I'm hit.
LT. TOEJAM
(minutely studying a slight
ankle wound)
So am I.
MAJOR KONG
Listen, I think I'm hit bad.
LT. TOEJAM
(still absorbed in his ankle)
Where'd they get you?
MAJOR KONG
Damn you, Lieutenant Toejam! Lothar!
LT. ZOGG
Yes, Major.
MAJOR KONG
Lothar, get up here fast, and bring your First-
Aid kit! I'm hit kinda bad, I think.
LT. ZOGG
Can't "Ace" help you?
MAJOR KONG
He's dead.
LT. ZOGG
What happened?
MAJOR KONG
I bit his jugular vein. Now will you shut
up and get up here???
LT. ZOGG
Sure! Sure, I'm on my way.
While the colored bombardier works his way up the ladder, MAJOR
KONG takes a long and uncomprehending look at his dead buddy,
Captain "ACE" ANGST.
LT. ZOGG
(puffing)
Where'd they get you?
MAJOR KONG
(grimaces)
In the back...feels like an arrowhead.
The BOMBARDIER looks at the co-pilot.
LT. ZOGG
How do you know he's dead?
MAJOR KONG
Hell, he looks dead.
The bombardier raises the co-pilot's eyelid and confirms that he is
dead.
LT. ZOGG
He's dead, all right.
MAJOR KONG
Listen, give me a shot quick!
The BOMBARDIER fumbles in the first-aid kit for a morphine Syrette.
While fixing syringe, BOMBARDIER looks down at back of Pilot's seat.
68f CU - SEAT
We see two small jagged holes ripped in the back of the chair.
68g CU - BOMBARDIER - LT. ZOGG
He looks and frowns.
68h MS - NAVIGATOR - LT. "BINKY" BALLMUFF
LT. BALLMUFF
Correct course to two-seven-three. We
should be about a hundred and forty miles
away from Laputa. Be there in about six-
teen minutes.
68i MASTER SHOT
MAJOR KONG
Okay, Binky, two-seven-three.
(to LT. ZOGG)
Lothar, any damage down below?
Rolls up his sleeve.
LT. ZOGG
I don't know what we got left besides Bim
and Bam.
MAJOR KONG
Quentin, how's your gear?
BOMBARDIER gives him shot.
LT. QUENTIN QUIFFER
I don't know.
MAJOR KONG
What do you mean, you don't know?
LT. QUIFFER
I haven't checked. I'm bleeding again.
MAJOR KONG shakes his head in disappointment.
MAJOR KONG
(slowly and very John Wayne)
The hydraulic systems out, Lothar, and a
lot of wiring is hanging loose. The number
MAJOR KONG (Cont)
one and three port engines are hit, and the
fuel's leaking. But we're still flying. And
what's more, we're going to carry out our
mission.
LT. ZOGG
(looking out over nose of plane)
Look, Major. What's that?
68j DISTANT HORIZON - FORWARD
Eight powerful aircraft searchlights cut long narrow streaks into
the night sky. But, instead of a steady beam, they are blinking
on and off in fairly close unison.
68k CU - MAJOR KONG
Bravely trying to comprehend the distant lights.
68l CU - BOMBARDIER - LT. LOTHAR ZOGG
Screwing up his face in bewilderment.
68m DISTANT VIEW - SEARCHLIGHTS BLINKING ON AND OFF
68n CU - MAJOR KONG
Narrows his eyes suspiciously.
MAJOR KONG
(softly)
I'll be damned.
68o CU - BOMBARDIER - LT. ZOGG
Staring blankly.
LT. ZOGG
(softly)
Yeah.
68p TWO SHOT - KONG AND ZOGG
Both men numbly stare at the distant searchlights.
MAJOR KONG
(into intercom)
Binky, Quentin, Terry! Come forward -
quick!
68q CUTS OF THE CREW SCRAMBLING TO COCKPIT
68r THE GROUP - FAVORING PILOT
LT. QUIFFER, LT. ZOGG, LT. BALLMUFF, and LT. TOEJAM crowded
behind him.
MAJOR KONG
Look.
68s DISTANT VIEW OUT OVER INSTRUMENTS
The searchlights continue their signaling.
68t CU - LT. QUIFFER - PUZZLED
68u CU - LT. BALLMUFF - PERPLEXED
68v CU - LT. TOEJAM - CURIOUS
68w MS - THE GROUP
MAJOR KONG
What does it look like?
LT. TOEJAM
Some kind of signaling.
MAJOR KONG
No kidding.
LT. TOEJAM
(uncertainly)
Let's see...International Morse, I think
...K...E...O...P...E...R...E...C...A...L...
L...M...I...S...T...A...K...E...O...P...E...
Gee, I don't know, it seems to be some kind
of code.
The negro bombardier, LT. LOTHAR ZOGG, has been jotting it down.
LT. ZOGG
No, look! It's "OPE - Recall Mistake."
MAJOR KONG
Recall what mistake?
LT. ZOGG
No, I think it means, "Recall period Mistake,"
and the OPE is probably the CRM-114 code.
Terry?
LT. TOEJAM
(shrugs)
I'll go back and check my code book.
He hops on his bad ankle back to his desk.
MAJOR KONG
(shaking his head)
You sure have to hand it to those guys.
LT. ZOGG
What do you mean?
MAJOR KONG
I mean pulling a stunt like that.
LT. ZOGG
What are you talking about?
LT. TOEJAM hops forward again.
LT. TOEJAM
Yep, it's the CRM-114 code, all right.
MAJOR KONG
Very interesting.
LT. ZOGG
What do you mean?
MAJOR KONG
Well, we sure as hell aren't going home just
because the enemy tells us to.
LT. ZOGG
Wait a minute, Major. "OPE," that's the
recall code. Where would they get that?
MAJOR KONG
You tell me.
LT. ZOGG
They must have gotten it from the base.
No one else would know it.
MAJOR KONG
Why should they call us back?
LT. ZOGG
How the hell do I know? Maybe the war's
over.
LT. TOEJAM
(bewildered)
Could be.
LT. QUIFFER
(wistfully)
I hope we won.
MAJOR KONG
Lieutenant Zogg, what do our orders say
about the authentication of orders during
an attack mission?
LT. ZOGG
Look, this is different.
MAJOR KONG
Our orders warn us to expect the enemy to
use ingenuity in issuing contrary and confusing
orders. And therefore, to disregard anything
that doesn't come on the CRM-114.
LT. ZOGG
But the CRM-114 has been smashed for almost
an hour.
MAJOR KONG
Then that settles it, doesn't it?
LT. ZOGG
Like hell it does.
MAJOR KONG
(impatiently)
The CRM-114 is smashed, right?
LT. ZOGG
Right. So how could we get any messages?
MAJOR KONG
(ruffled)
That's the point.
LT. ZOGG
I don't get you, King.
MAJOR KONG
I said that's the point!
LT. ZOGG
Look, King, maybe you've lost too much
blood, or something.
MAJOR KONG
(explodes)
Lieutentant Zogg, how would you like your
black butt slung into a General Court Martial
when we get back???
LT. ZOGG
Take it easy, Major Kong.
MAJOR KONG
Then get off my back!
LT. TOEJAM
I think Major Kong's right, Lothar. I mean
we got the attack order from base, and Plan -R
is an emergency plan for a base commander
after a lot of other plans have been clobbered.
LT. ZOGG
Okay! You tell me how the enemy got the code!
It's put in our sealed plans at the base just
before we take off.
MAJOR KONG
There are plenty of traitors and spies running
around loose.
LT. ZOGG
But the code is made up by General Ripper, and
he's the only one left at the base who would know
the code.
MAJOR KONG
Nobody's loyalty is beyond question. Besides,
how do we know one of his staff didn't see it?
LT. ZOGG
Come on, King. That doesn't make sense.
MAJOR KONG
(triumphantly)
Okay, how do we know they didn't shoot down
one of our planes and torture the crew? How
do we know that?
LT. ZOGG frowns.
MAJOR KONG
(the clincher)
We crossed the coast over an hour ago.
Okay?
LT. ZOGG
(after some thought)
You're giving them an awful lot of credit
for being on the ball.
MAJOR KONG
First lesson in War College: Never under-
estimate your enemy.
LT. ZOGG
(shrugs)
Sorry, King.
MAJOR KONG
Forget it. Okay, team, let's break it up
and get ready for the kick-off.
The team scatters back to their stations.
DISSOLVE
69 LOW LEVEL - B-90 - FLYING SHOT
70 INT. B-90 - LT. ZOGG
He anxiously flips switches, bangs panels with the palm of his
hand, curses to himself, and flips more switches. Various insert
cuts to important-looking switches and warning lights.
LT. ZOGG
King?
70a MS - PILOT - MAJOR KONG
Rocking in his seat and emitting soft groans.
MAJOR KONG
Who's that?
LT. ZOGG
It's me - Lothar. Are you okay?
MAJOR KONG
I'm okay. What's up?
LT. ZOGG
Well, I hate to say this, but I think the
bomb bay doors are stuck.
MAJOR KONG
Are you sure?
LT. ZOGG
Well, I can't get out and look, King. But
I don't get a green light.
MAJOR KONG
Maybe the warning system's out.
LT. ZOGG
But I get a red light.
MAJOR KONG
Have you tried the emergency system?
LT. ZOGG
I tried everything. Something must have gotten
bent or twisted from the pounding we took.
70b CU - PILOT
He stares out over the nose of the plane for several seconds. A
portentous look of valour seems to overcome the pain.
MAJOR KONG
Lothar, can you arm the bombs for impact?
LT. ZOGG
But I TOLD YOU, I don't think we can get the
bomb bay doors open.
MAJOR KONG
I asked you a question, Lothar!
LT. ZOGG
But how are we going to drop the bombs if
the doors won't ---
(the penny drops)
Hey, King....you're not thinking of ---
You don't mean you'd --- ???
70c CUTS TO OTHER CREW MEMBERS AS THEY REALIZE THE PLAN
MAJOR KONG
(firmly)
There's no other way, Lothar. Can you
re-arm the bombs for impact?
LT. ZOGG
(stunned silence)
Let me check.
MAJOR KONG
There's no other way, boys. I'm going to
have to take her in...the hard way.
70d CUTS TO CREW - HORRIFIED, SWEATING, TREMBLING
LT. QUIFFER
Say, King. If there was any way I could
help, I wouldn't think of asking, but would
you mind if I bailed out.
MAJOR KONG is clearly hurt by this lack of comradeship.
MAJOR KONG
(shrugs)
No, I wouldn't mind, Lieutenant Quiffer.
70e CUTS TO FRIGHTENED AND CONFUSED CREW
LT. ZOGG
(uncertainly)
I think it's okay, King. They should go
off on impact.
MAJOR KONG
(audaciously)
Would it matter if they hit at a flat angle?
I mean, do you think the deuterium mass might
separate from the atomic trigger?
LT. ZOGG
(faintly)
Well, it would probably help if you took it
...sort of...straight down.
MAJOR KONG
Roger.
The other crew members unhappily watch the D.S.O., LT.
QUIFFER, prepare to bail out. His leg seems to have unstiffened.
He pauses long enough to notice his buddies.
LT. QUIFFER
Look, King, maybe the other boys don't
think it right to ask, so I'm asking for
them. Can they bail out too?
MAJOR KONG stiffens at this last shattering of camaraderie.
MAJOR KONG
(in an angry sulk)
Anyone that wants to save his neck certainly
ought to.
The other crew members hastily get ready to jump.
LT. TOEJAM
Gee, we hate to leave you like this, Major
Kong. But there isn't anything we can really
accomplish by sticking around.
MAJOR KONG
(shrugs)
Forget it.
LT. QUIFFER
Well, listen, King. Could you take her up
to about eight hundred? That'll help you
come in at a nice down-angle, and it'll give
us a chance for our chutes to open.
MAJOR KONG
(shrugs)
Sure, I'll take her up to eight hundred.
LT. QUIFFER
Could you take her up right now, King? Other-
wise we'll get kind of close to the fireball.
MAJOR KONG
(shrugs)
Sure, I'll take her up right now.
He pulls up the nose of the plane sharply. The men get ready.
71 FLYING SHOT - B-90 CLIMBING
As it reaches eight hundred feet, enemy radar, hitherto prevented
from tracking the plane due to its low-level tactics, suddenly
zeros in, and all kinds of flak and tracer fire open up.
LT. TOEJAM
Listen, King, old buddy. On behalf---
MAJOR KONG
Skip it and jump, damn you! This flak's so
close, I can smell it.
The crew bails out.
AD LIBS
(as they go)
Good luck, King!
God bless you, King!
Geronimo!
MAJOR KONG starts to fly evasive tactics through the flak.
72 MS - NEGRO BOMBARDIER LT. ZOGG - FLOPS INTO CO-PILOT'S SEAT
LT. ZOGG
(softly)
We're on course, Major. Just fixed our
position on that river back there.
MAJOR KONG
What the hell are you doing here, Lothar?
The two men are deeply touched by this Stanley Kramer-ish
moment of truth.
LT. ZOGG
(with masculine simplicity)
I thought I'd go along for the ride.
MAJOR KONG
(John Wayne)
Now what the hell did you want to go and do
a thing like that for, Lothar?
LT. ZOGG
I thought maybe you'd like some company.
MAJOR KONG punches him in the arm.
MAJOR KONG
That sure was a hell of a stupid thing to do.
The flak rocks the plane, and the lights of the city ahead
continue to flash.
LT. ZOGG
King, would you mind if I keep me hands on
the wheel when you take her in?
MAJOR KONG
(John Wayne - all the way)
I'd be mighty proud if you did, Lothar.
LT. ZOGG
Thanks, King. I've always wanted to take
one of these big babies in.
MAJOR KONG
Listen, Lothar. You know that crack I
made about your...butt?
LT. ZOGG
Forget it.
MAJOR KONG
I just wanted you to know I didn't mean
anything by it.
LT. ZOGG
Sure, King.
MAJOR KONG
Well, I just wanted you to know how I felt.
Hell, I know Air Command wouldn't have taken
you if you weren't okay. And don't think I
don't know some of our best ball-players and
entertainers are of Negro descent.
73 NIGHT - EXT. - THE B-90 DIVES INTO THE MISSILE COMPLEX
(TRICK SHOT)
There is a tremendous thermonuclear explosion caused by two 20-
megaton H-bombs.
CUT TO
74 INT. WAR ROOM
Everyone is predictably gloomy and philosophical. It should be
apparent they've heard the news.
GENERAL SCHMUCK
(shaking his head, miserably)
It's wrong.
(sighs)
It's dead wrong.
ADMIRAL BULDIKE
(shaking his head, wretchedly)
It's not right.
No one is really talking to anyone else.
GENERAL SCHMUCK
(indignant)
I don't care what anyone says, it just doesn't
seem to make sense to end all human life on Earth.
ADMIRAL BULDIKE
I suppose the fishes will take over the world.
GENERAL FACEMAN
Ugh-hhhh, that's a horrible thought.
GENERAL SCHMUCK
It's all so pointless. I mean a man works his
whole life fighting for something, and this is
what he gets.
(bitterly)
You know, I can see twenty, forty, a hundred
million - but everybody? It's just a damned
shame, and I don't mind saying so.
The PRESIDENT sits alone in the corner of the room. He says
nothing.
ZLAT
(responsibility weighs heavy)
Mister President, how are we going to break it
to the people? I mean it's going to do one hell of
a thing to your image.
The PRESIDENT shrugs, irritably.
VON KLUTZ
(with Germanic coolness)
Mister Ambassador, how long will it take?
The AMBASSADOR looks up, wearily.
AMBASSADOR DE SADE
(gesturing with both hands)
Four - possibly six months in the Northern
Hemispheres. Perhaps a year in the Southern
latitudes.
VON KLUTZ
(wiping his steel-rimmed
glasses)
Mister President, I wouldnot rule out the
chance to preserve a nucleus of human
specimens, at the bottom shafts of some
of our deepest mines.
PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
(tiredly)
At the bottom of mines?
VON KLUTZ
(carefully putting on glasses)
Yes. The radioactivity could not penetrate
a mine some thousands of feet deep.
The PRESIDENT looks blankly at VON KLUTZ.
VON KLUTZ
In a matter of weeks, sufficient improvements
for a dwelling space could be provided.
PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
But they couldn't come out for a hundred
years!
VON KLUTZ
(smiling wisely)
Mister President, man is an amazingly adaptable
creature. After all, the conditions would be
far superior to those, say, of the Nazi concentration
camps, where there is ample evidence most of the
wretched creatures clung desperately to life.
Although the PRESIDENT seems unconvinced, looking around the
room, it is apparent VON KLUTZ's proposal has not fallen upon
deaf ears.
VON KLUTZ
(smiling modestly)
It would not be difficult. Nuclear reactors
could provide power almost indefinitely.
Greenhouses could maintain plant life.
Animals could be bred and slaughtered.
A quick survey would have to be made of all
the suitable minesites in the country, but
I shouldn't be surprised if several hundred
thousand of our people could be accomodatedd.
Every nation would undoubtedly follow suit.
PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
But who would be chosen?
VON KLUTZ
A special committee would have to be appointed
to study and recommend the criteria to be
employed, but off-hand, I should say that in
addition to the factors of youth, health, sexual
fertility, intelligence, and a cross-section of
necessary skills, it would be absolutely vital
that our top government and military men be
included, to impart the required principles of
leadership and tradition.
The arrow has not missed its mark, and there is an outbreak of
sober, nodding heads.
VON KLUTZ
(laughs, distastefully)
Naturally, they would breed prodigiously, eh?
There would be much time and little to do.
With the proper breeding techniques, and starting
with a ratio of, say, ten women to each man,
I should estimate the progeny of the original
group of 200,000 would emerge a hundred years
later as well over a hundred million. Naturally
the group would have to continually engage in
enlarging the original living space.
Much serious judgment is brought to bear around the table. Pencils
are brought into action.
VON KLUTZ
When they emerge, a good deal of present real
estate and machine tools will still be recoverable,
if they are moth-balled in advance. I would guess
they could then work their way back to our present
gross national product within twenty years.
PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
But, look here, Von Klutz. Won't this nucleus
of survivors be so shocked, grief-stricken, and
anguished that they will envy the dead, and indeed,
not wish to go on living?
VON KLUTZ
Certainly not, sir. When they go down into the
mine, everyone else will still be alive. They will
have no shocking memories, and the prevailing
emotion should be one of a nostalgia for those
VON KLUTZ (Cont)
left behind, combined with a spirit of bold
curiousity for the adventure ahead.
GENERAL SCHMUCK
(judiciously)
You mentioned the ratio of ten women to each
man. Wouldn't that necessitate abandoning the
so-called monogamous form of sexual relation-
ship?
VON KLUTZ
Regrettably, yes. But it is a sacrifice required
for the future of the human race. I hasten to
add that since each man will be required to
perform prodigious service along these lines,
the women will have to be selected for their
sexual characteristics, which will have to be
of a highly stimulating order.
AMBASSADOR DE SADE
(enthusiastically)
Von Klutz, I must confess you have an astonish-
ingly good idea there.
VON KLUTZ
(correctly)
Thank you, sir.
AMBASSADOR DE SADE rises.
AMBASSADOR DE SADE
(briskly)
And now, Mister President, I must return
at once to my embassy to communicate this
reassuring news to the Premier.
PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
(shaking hands)
Goodbye, Mister Ambassador.
AMBASSADOR DE SADE
(at the door)
We have many splendidly deep mines in our
country.
He exits.
GENERAL SCHMUCK
(thoughtfully)
Mister President, I think we've got to look
into this thing from the military point of view.
I mean, if the enemy stashed away some big
bombs and we didn't, when they come out in
a hundred years, they could take over.
GENERAL FACEMAN
That's right, sir. In fact, they might even
try a quick, sneak attack, so they can take
over our mine-shaft space.
ADMIRAL BULDIKE
They might even try to knock over a couple
of other countries and take their mine-shaft
space. If they had more mine-shaft space
than we did, they could breed more, and possibly
take over when they come out.
GENERAL SCHMUCK
We must not allow a mine-shaft gap!!
The phone rings. ADMIRAL BULDIKE picks it up.
ADMIRAL BULDIKE
Hello?...Yes, just a minute.
(to GENERAL SCHMUCK)
It's personal.
GENERAL SCHMUCK takes the phone.
GENERAL SCHMUCK
(charmingly)
Yes?...Well, pretty soon, dear. Yes,
I've finished my business. Uh-huh...
Uh-huh...
(laughs)
Yes, dear. Same here. Bye-bye.
Hangs up the phone.
There is a knock at the door. Enter AMBASSADOR DE SADE.
AMBASSADOR DE SADE
(haughtily)
Excuse me, Mister President, but you forgot
to give me my camera back.
PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
(fishes in pocket for Minox)
Oh, yes, that's right.
GENERAL "BUCK" SCHMUCK
Just a second, sir. He's got films of the
War Room in that thing!
PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
I'm afraid I'll have to ask you to take the
film out.
AMBASSADOR DE SADE
(annoyed)
Very well.
GENERAL "BUCK" SCHMUCK
You know, sir, that camera might be a dummy
he wanted us to find. He's probably got another
one secreted on his person.
AMBASSADOR DE SADE
(sputtering)
That's utterly ridiculous.
GENERAL "BUCK" SCHMUCK
He's been here for almost two hours, and Lord
knows what he's photographed. I'd have him
stripped and give a thorough body search.
AMBASSADOR DE SADE
(appalled)
That's preposterous! I object!!
The PRESIDENT thinks for a moment.
PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
(reassuringly)
I'm afraid we'll have to - purely as a formality,
Ambassador de Sade. Zlat, will you call the
Secret Service and have them prepare a private
room upstairs for a body search.
The AMBASSADOR is shocked and angry.
AMBASSADOR DE SADE
Please, Mister President, I am extremely shy
and do not wish to endure this sort of personal
humiliation. Here is the only other camera I
have left.
(he produces a second camera)
GENERAL SCHMUCK
See! See, I told you.
PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
(shaking his head)
You've lied to me twice - I'm sorry, but it will
be strictly routine. These men are experts.
GENERAL SCHMUCK
Zlat, make sure the secret service boys care-
fully search his seven body orifices.
AMBASSADOR DE SADE
(horrified)
My seven body orifices????
GENERAL SCHMUCK
That's right, fella.
AMBASSADOR DE SADE
(touches ears)
One, two...
(touches each nostril)
three, four...
(touches mouth)
five...
(freezes, turns red and
swallows hard)
Why you, dirty, stinking...
AMBASSADOR DE SADE picks up a thick custard pie from among a
large selection of pies previously brought into the room with coffee,
and smashes it into GENERAL SCHMUCK's angry face.
GENERAL SCHMUCK hurls a coconut cream pie at DE SADE, who ducks.
It splatters into the face of ADMIRAL PERCY BULDIKE.
Not realizing why he has been hit, ADMIRAL PERCY BULDIKE flings
a chocolate cream pie at GENERAL "BUCK" SCHMUCK. It misses and
plops into PRESIDENT MUFFLEY's face.
And, as is the case with the great-pie throwing scenes, misunderstand-
ing piles upon misunderstanding, until everyone in the room is hectic-
ally engaged in splattering pies into each other's face.
CUT TO
75 MOVING SHOT - PULL AWAY FROM PLANET EARTH
into outer space. (A reverse of the opening shot)
NARRATOR
Though the little-known, dead planet
Earth, remotely situated in the Milky
Way Galaxy, is admittedly of little
interest to us today, we have presented
this quaint comedy of Galaxy pre-history,
when the primitive organization of
sovereign nation states still flourished,
and the archaic institution of War had
not yet been forbidden by Law, as another
in our series, "The Dead Worlds of Antiquity."
Nardac Blefescu
Macro-Galaxy-Meteor Pictures
T H E E N D